Best of Opinion Line 2014

Here’s a sampling of standout Opinion Line comments from the year:

Midterm mania

There are so many commercials on TV right now that it gets confusing. For a while there I thought Greg Orman was selling cars and Dawson Grimsley was running for public office.

This must be a really important Senate race coming up. Not only have Jeb Bush, John McCain and Sarah Palin come to Kansas, but Pat Roberts has visited as well.

I’m sorry, but if you think Pat Roberts is a liberal, a radiologist is not the kind of doctor you need.

We know Pat Roberts looks like your grandpa and Greg Orman the guy who stole your first wife, but that’s nothing to base a vote on.

Tiahrt and Pompeo jumping up and down on the Super Car Guys trampoline would have made much more sense than their “debate.”

What a tough choice for Republicans: the congressman formerly owned by the Kochs, or the congressman currently owned by the Kochs.

What did I do or say that made you mad? You called me almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Now I never hear from you. Please forgive me, Mike Pompeo.

Dear Koch brothers: Since you are powerful enough to cause global warming, according to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, please softly mist about three-quarter inch of rain over my vegetable garden.

I wonder if Harry Reid and other Democrats have started an investigation into the Shockers’ undefeated record yet. After all, they do play in Charles Koch Arena.

The Koch brothers, in an effort to stop being mentioned by the Democrats and the White House, should change their names to the Benghazi brothers.

Republican vocabulary: a noun and a verb and “Benghazi.”

As you close the curtain at the voting booth in November, be sure to ask yourself if you are more likely to be infected or beheaded than you were six years ago.

I noticed an item advertised in a local ad that many Republicans might be, or should be, interested in – fire-resistant pants.

Divider in chief

The president could have saved us all a lot of time at the State of the Union address by just saying, “I got nothing.”

I hope my prior year tax files were on Lois Lerner’s computer.

To paraphrase a great American, you come home to the VA you have, not the VA you wish you had.

To insure the uninsured, first we make the insured uninsured. Then we make the formerly insured pay more to become reinsured to insure the uninsured for free.

If the Pentagon needs assistance naming its upcoming Iraqi invasion, may I suggest Operation Deja Vu All Over Again?

Vladimir Putin had better watch what he’s doing. Obama has his pen in his hand. He may sign an executive order to forbid Putin from taking off his shirt.

Joe Biden says we will follow ISIS to the “gates of hell.” When did they move the gates of hell to the golf course?

Could someone give me the movie line number to North Korea so I can know the movies playing here?

State of the state

Hey, Kansas, where are you going? And why are you in that handbasket?

Warning! Warning! You are below glide path. Pull up! Pull up!

Dear Kansas Legislature: Why stop at guns and health care? Why not just pass a bill that says Kansas is only part of the U.S. when the president is a Republican?

Constantly talking about the past, going backward in a car, standing in a one-room schoolhouse – I’m beginning to see a real theme with Democrat Paul Davis. Or is it a goal?

Kansas strip club owners never had it so good. First Paul Davis patronizes them, then Sam Brownback cuts their taxes.

Perhaps I should run for governor. I am an 86-year-old female who can run a combine.

If we changed the name of lesser prairie chickens to “richer prairie chickens,” then I’m sure the red states would bend over backward to help them.

I think voter ID might be a good idea. I visited the cemetery Tuesday and saw several “I voted” stickers on the tombstones.

Now that our lawmakers in Topeka have televised sonograms, how about some televised brain scans of our legislators?

I have a sincerely held religious belief that the Kansas Legislature is nuts.

There was no earthquake Wednesday. That was just the governor stamping his foot after hearing of the U.S. Supreme Court’s approval of same-sex marriage.

I would like to see a bill passed in the Kansas Legislature for “some-sex marriage.”

Air Capital musings

Please don’t legalize marijuana. It will kill my fun of calling the cops on my neighbors.

The lane on Kellogg at Armour has been closed so long I am beginning to think the New Jersey governor’s office had something to do with it.

The WSU baseball team better get to Omaha soon or WSU president John Bardo and his builders will next be making plans for “better use” of the land that Eck Stadium sits on.

Strength training at the Y has really helped. I can now carry $90 worth of groceries with one hand.

If KU played them, would the Shockers have anything to be angry about?

Global warming is about as likely as a 4.8 earthquake hitting Wichita – oh, frack.

Sporting life

Soccer is just a bunch of guys running around trying to score. Pretty much like my dating life in my early 20s.

The World Cup is over. You can stop saying “nil” now.

Teach a man to fish, and he eats forever. Give him someone else’s fish and he will vote for you.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Make him a Republican and he’ll form a huge seafood conglomerate, outsource the work to cheap labor overseas, hide the profits in offshore accounts, pollute the river, and then move on.

Teach a man to fish, and his boss will know where to look for him.

You know you’re a bad college football coach when the morning after you’re fired the headline on the front page of the paper is about the world’s largest ball of twine.

Odds and ends

Few things are as satisfying as pulling on a brand-new pair of underwear for the very first time.

This practice of dumping buckets of ice over someone’s head is barbaric and wasteful. Think of all the beer that ice could have cooled down.

I found myself looking for a Valentine’s Day card that said basically: “I love you. Thanks for not killing me in my sleep.”

“C” is a worthless letter when we have “S” and “K.”

I wish that just one time God would shower us with rainbow-colored snowflakes.

KAKE says it is on my side. KSN says it has my back. If KWCH would take care of my front, I think they would have me surrounded.

You know old age has set in when the local station breaks in to report a rain shower in western Kansas as the Final Jeopardy answer is read and you don’t have anything in reach to throw at the TV but your dentures.

I blame “Duck Dynasty” for causing men to think that it is acceptable to walk around looking like a cross between Grizzly Adams and Rip Van Winkle.

Is there a law written somewhere from long, long ago that said it was legal for the male population to go without shirts? I would like to see that law in writing.

Note to all the women on Facebook: No one wants to see pictures of your pedicure.

We all like to think we’re Dorothy, when in reality we’re one of the other three.

Never turn down the offer of a breath mint.

Life is killing me. I think I’ll switch to Cocoa Puffs.

This story was originally published December 27, 2014 at 6:03 PM with the headline "Best of Opinion Line 2014."