Robodog’s back on Wichita council agenda. What could possibly go wrong? | Opinion
You know, there’s a lot to be said for robot dogs.
You don’t need to feed them, just plug ‘em in and charge ‘em up once in a while.
You never have to take them outside to poop in the middle of a blizzard.
They don’t shed fur on the furniture or trigger your allergies.
There are no veterinarian bills (maybe just a quick spritz of WD-40 now and then).
So it’s no wonder the Wichita Police Department wants robodogs so badly.
How badly? Enough to ask the City Council to spend $629,000 on two of them, and enough to bring the item to the agenda twice, a year ahead of when the department is scheduled to get them anyway.
We all know how that is. It’s like when your parents promise you a cruiser bike for your 12th birthday, and you’ve just turned 11. The wait is excruciating.
So in preparation for Tuesday’s City Council meeting where the decision will be made, I read the city’s infomercial staff report about robotic dogs and why we need them right away.
“In a large and evolving metropolitan city (set aside that the only thing evolving around here is the parking fees), law enforcement technologies and robotic capabilities are essential to de-escalate and mitigate critical incidents that threaten the security and welfare of City staff, property and the citizen welfare.”
City staff, then property, then citizen welfare — at least they have their priorities in order.
And it’s not like the police didn’t do their homework, and even force themselves to take a junket fact-finding trip to Vegas to ascertain the true value of robodogs.
“WPD through trial usage, testing, and market research confirmed positive outcomes observed in other jurisdictions utilizing integrated robotics technology into emergency response operations,” the city report said. “This department education included a site visit to Las Vegas Nevada, technical training from Boston Dynamics and RADeCo, peer agency consultation, best practice education and case studies.”
That may seem a little opaque to those who aren’t conversant in cop-speak, so I did some research on how departments actually use these, and here it is in English:
They’re handy for disposing of the random bombs that people in cities like Wichita tend to leave lying around. And when police have a barricaded suspect, they can walk the robodog in, get live video of the scene through its cameras, and use its built-in speakerphone to explain to the perp that Kansas’ “stand your ground” and “castle doctrine” laws do not apply in their situation.
As far as I can tell, Wichita city government hasn’t shown any pictures of these publicly. But fortunately, our sister paper, the Miami Herald, did a whole photo essay on their department’s robotic dog, “Spot.”
About the closest analogy I can think of is the 1984 cult classic film “Runaway,” where Tom Selleck plays a police officer who specializes in protecting the public from malfunctioning homicidal robots. No word yet on when that position will need to be added to the WPD org chart.
Sure, robodogs are creepy as hell. So’s the future. Get over it.
My advice to the council is go ahead and approve the expenditure.
As a father who raised twin boys, I can tell you that sometimes the better part of valor is to just buy the toys and save yourself a year of nagging.
While some have suggested the city buy only one robodog instead of two, I wouldn’t recommend that. The bomb squad and the SWAT team would just be fighting over it all the time.
And I haven’t yet told you the very best thing about robotic dogs.
They never need to have their anal glands expressed.
If you don’t know what that means, count yourself lucky. Definitely do not Google it and for the love of God do not watch this video.
