Together, we can solve the problem of legalized voting; a message from The Party | Opinion
To: The people of Kansas
From: The Kansas Central Committee (formerly the Kansas Legislature)
Dear voters,
In light of recent events, it has become necessary for The Party to amend your right to vote.
It has come to our attention that some elements of society persist in voting for candidates who are not only not members of The Party, but actively oppose The Party and its rightful place as the sole governing authority in The State.
We are taking all possible steps to ensure this situation is resolved in the best interests of The Party.
Rest assured that maintaining an illusion of fair participation in the voting process is at the top of all of our minds.
In response to a spate of recent elections that Party candidates lost, but should have won:
1) We are voting to eliminate so-called “drop boxes” for completed mail ballots. The extra convenience offered by this method of streetside voting has made it too easy for subversive elements to cast ballots opposing Party candidates and goals.
2) We are voting to eliminate the so-called “grace period” for the “Postal Service” to deliver, by the Friday after the election, mail ballots that are “postmarked” on or before election day. Experience has shown these late-arriving ballots can “flip” the outcome of elections from election-night counts favoring Party candidates, and therefore, should not be counted.
Regrettably, both of these measures will result in the suppression of some legitimate Party votes. We consider this to be acceptable collateral damage, because on balance, The Party expects to gain more votes than it loses.
If you are a Party voter whose vote goes uncounted, we salute your sacrifice for the greater good.
These are not actions we take lightly. But recent examples of irresponsible voting behavior have forced our hand, including:
▪ The August primary election, when The Party graciously offered voters the chance to wipe the scourge of female self-determination from the laws of our beloved State forever. This constitutional amendment was thwarted by voters using the nefarious tactic of showing up and voting against it. This, despite our best efforts to place the question in an election where Party members were expected to greatly outnumber non-Party members. This excessive voting wrecked years of planning and preparation.
▪ In November, voters abused their privileges again, rejecting the Party-approved candidate and electing the wrong candidate for governor. This occurred despite The Party’s sternest warnings that voting wrongly would lead to widespread wearing of female clothing by non-females. This is an affront both to public decency and the spirit of conformity that The Party requires.
▪ Also in November, anti-Party elements engineered the re-election of a federal representative who is not a member of The Party. This was accomplished despite every effort by The Party to manipulate the makeup of the representative’s voting district, to ensure that a Party member would always be elected there.
These recent examples show there is clearly a misunderstanding of the proper role of voters and elections in our current system of government.
To summarize: The purpose of elections is to give you, the voters, the opportunity to express your heartfelt thanks and fealty to representatives of The Party, for their selfless acts of governance on your behalf. We, your dear leaders, are disappointed by your continuing ingratitude.
You may from time to time hear unsubstantiated rumors of voting fraud, especially by illegal immigrants. You are encouraged to spread these rumors as often as you can. If you can pretend there’s a problem, Party leadership can pretend to solve it.
On a related topic, we have also found it necessary to revise the wording of the Gettysburg Address to more closely reflect current reality.
Henceforth, the words of former President Abraham Lincoln shall read: “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall perish from the earth.”
The Party first. The Party last. The Party always.
That is all.
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