Dubious, bogus and utterly phony headlines

The following satirical headlines come from borowitzreport.com and theonion.com:

▪  Ryan Lochte Now Changing Account Of Events Going Back Years Before Robbery

▪  Trump Blames Bad Poll Numbers On Existence Of Numerical System

▪  ‘I Can’t Do This Anymore,’ Think 320 Million Americans Quietly Going About Day

▪  Trump Says He Would Only Use Nuclear Weapons In A Sarcastic Way

▪  Giddy Tim Kaine Presses Face Against Campaign Bus Window

▪  Usain Bolt Finishes 100-Meter Dash Victory Celebration In Personal Best 3 Hours, 42 Minutes