▪ World Leaders Receive Crank Calls from Someone Claiming to Be President of United States
▪ Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble
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▪ Trump Fires Acting Attorney General After Copy Of Constitution Is Found On Her Computer
▪ Scientists Baffled By Ability Of McConnell And Ryan To Stand Upright Without Spines
▪ Trump Enraged As Mexican President Meets With Meryl Streep Instead
▪ Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was