After my son and I got COVID, I just can’t stop wondering: what if? | Commentary

Julian’s symptoms started on the Sunday after his birthday.

When he came downstairs it was after 9 a.m. — an unusual sight for a prepubescent boy whose only passion is watching YouTube. He planted himself on the couch, his eyes glossy. On a hunch, I took his temperature: 102.7F. I gave him water and offered breakfast (didn’t want it), but managed to convince him to take Tylenol. After February 2020, when his fever went as high as 105, I wasn’t taking chances. He was so sick then, hard to wake from a feverish daze. We’re still not sure what he had, but strep and viral panels were negative. They didn’t test for COVID back then.

They mask up in school, it’s mandatory, and he is careful. But he is 11, gets sweaty, and takes his mask off to eat lunch with other un-masked students. He is also too young to get a vaccine. My teacher husband and I both got inoculated, but we could not provide that for our son. What if we could?

First, we did a rapid COVID test I thanked myself for buying a month before. Negative. I quickly remembered microbiology class in nursing school — incubation period, viral load numbers — and I knew to be skeptical. I used to work as RN and muscle memory kicked in. If the fever didn’t go down with medications, into the bathtub he went, to help his internal thermostat. I kept tearing off his comforter when he was shivering. My “mother heart” was crying; my “nurse mind” took over. I even dug out a stethoscope to listen to his lungs: clear. What if they weren’t?

The worst part was waiting, and the anxiety of not knowing if my boy fell to the worst disease since the Spanish Flu. I couldn’t focus on anything long enough to get relief — thank goodness for mundane tasks like cooking chicken broth and shopping online for popsicles and Sprite.

On Monday, we went to a drive-through PCR test. “You should have results in 24 hours,” said the pharmacist. “But it can take up to 5 business days”. Yipeee, more waiting!

Tuesday, Julian projectile vomited and his throat started to hurt. I called his pediatrician, asking for strep and flu tests. They let us in through the back door, and his doctor wore a hazmat suit while swabbing his poor nostrils again. His PCR was positive, of course.

While I went through the motions, I didn’t even notice when my nose started running. By Friday, I had a fever of 100.5. I got COVID, despite of being vaccinated — what if I weren’t?

So many questions. And so few answers. I get why we’re all confused about COVID — and vaccines — and I know why some of us are not sure this vaccine does anything to protect us.

Here is the thing: we got better. We never had problems breathing, and the only symptom we both still have is the loss of smell and taste. While it was hard being sick, it was harder maybe to lose two weeks of income. And as I sit here, on my last day of quarantine, I just can’t stop wondering: what if?

What if my 11-year old shared fate with the 20-year-old KU student who died of COVID? What if I got severe pneumonia and ended up on the ventilator? What if schools mandated vaccines for staff? What if Pfizer came out with vaccine for children earlier and Julian had gotten it?

This week Pfizer announced it will ask the FDA for emergency approval of a shot for kids 5-11 years old. You can bet Julian will be the first in line.

This anxiety has been crushing the whole nation for so long. We’re all exhausted.

What if we all did our part, and got vaccinated, if and when we can, didn’t get mad at masks any more, and just stopped being so selfish? What if?

Ivonne Conover is a former RN, who is now pursuing photography and writing, because the pandemic made her realize that life is too short not to focus on true passion.