Dealing with gender questions with your kids? This group can help

Shortly after her 11-year-old came out as transgender in May, the Wichita mother went looking for help.

“It was a surprise and kind of stressful, trying to figure out what kind of resources he might need,” said the mom, who asked not to be identified to protect her child’s privacy.

“I wanted to be able to meet with other parents who are going through the same thing, just to talk and compare notes,” the mom said.

She found them at Kids Connect, a support group for parents of children who identify as transgender or gender-nonconforming. The group, sponsored by The Center of Wichita, offers a gathering place for parents to talk about what they’re going through and find resources and acceptance.

Morgan Beisner, a Wichita mom, became the group’s “de facto leader” because she wanted local families to get the support they need, she said. Beisner also supervises a teen youth group at The Center.

“It’s a big scary world, you know, when your kid comes to you and says that they’re gay or they’re trans or that they’re questioning their gender in any way,” she said. “What do you do? Who do you turn to – especially in Kansas, because there’s pretty much no resources.”

Attendance at the monthly Kids Connect meetings varies from two or three families to a half-dozen families, Beisner said. Children socialize in one room while parents gather in another to talk about challenges or share experiences.

There’s also a closed Facebook group where families can post questions any time. Among them: Who are the trans-friendly pediatricians and psychologists in the area? How do you deal with bathroom issues at school? What are the pros and cons of puberty blockers and hormones for transgender youth?

“Sometimes it can be like, ‘You’ll never guess what happened with my kid at school today,’” Beisner said.

“When you’re in any kind of situation like this, you get used to kind of sitting in your own little bubble,” she said. “Then something happens and you don’t know what to do. … It helps to have a place to turn where you can get support and backup.”

Beisner’s son, a third-grader, is not transgender but is gender-nonconforming, she said. He “identifies very strongly as male” but sometimes wears skirts, dresses or other clothing associated with girls.

“We would be at the store and even at 2, he would reach out and say, ‘I want this,’ and it would be like a sparkly crown or a fluffy tutu or whatever,” she said.

“And I would be like, ‘You wanna play with that? Sure, that’s fine.’ … It never occurred to me to tell him he couldn’t wear something. It’s just clothing.”

Her son sometimes wears dresses or skirts to school. So far it hasn’t caused any problems with teachers or classmates, Beisner said.

One of her son’s favorite books is “Jacob’s New Dress,” a children’s picture book about a boy who doesn’t identify with traditional gender roles. Beisner has bought copies and given them to teachers.

“Sometimes something that simple, like a children’s book, can raise awareness” and foster understanding, Beisner said.

Children can identify as transgender well before kindergarten, catching parents off guard and raising lots of questions, she said.

Sometimes a male child, for instance, will say he doesn’t like his penis, will ask to wear his hair long or even state matter-of-factly, “I’m a girl.”

People often say that young children can’t be transgender – that it’s “just a phase” – but qualified doctors and psychologists can help families navigate what can be unsettling territory, Beisner said.

“For a child who actually is transgender, they know early,” she said. “There are diagnostic questions to determine whether it’s the real thing.”

Kansas education officials say they’re dealing with transgender issues more frequently than in years past.

The Derby school district, just south of Wichita, sparked a backlash from some parents, community members and politicians in 2016 when it allowed students to use bathrooms matching their gender identity. Earlier this year, the Derby school board voted to reverse that policy.

The mother of the transgender 11-year-old, who attends a Wichita middle school, said it’s crucial for parents to seek help and support as early as possible, because children who identify as transgender have a greater risk of suffering from depression, being bullied or attempting suicide.

“Parents aren’t the ones telling their kids that they’re trans. The kids are telling us,” she said.

“We are doing everything the doctors tell us to do, following their lead, because the best thing you can do for a child’s mental health is to let them be the gender identity that they express.”

This story was originally published December 28, 2017 at 10:19 AM with the headline "Dealing with gender questions with your kids? This group can help."