Families, funeral homes grapple with how to proceed under coronavirus restrictions

Some of Lori O’Toole Buselt’s fondest memories from childhood are of the Irish Catholic funerals she attended along with the raucous family gatherings that followed.

“The crowd and all the noise and laughter and memories . . . and the food. It’s just all part of how our family says goodbye to people. That’s how we celebrate someone’s life.”

That’s not how she’s immediately getting to celebrate or say goodbye to her mother, Ann O’Toole, who died Sunday evening of respiratory complications related to COPD.

For Buselt, her family and every other family dealing with a death right now, concerns over the coronavirus are affecting funeral arrangements and the kind of support families traditionally receive.

“It’s very hard to put social distancing and elbow bumps into funeral plans,” Buselt said.

There are a lot of practical concerns for funeral homes, too, such as keeping up with the latest ban on gatherings. First it was no more than 250 people. Now it’s no more than 50.

“We’re basically put in a position of counting heads as people come through the doors,” said Tom Morris, president and owner of Downing & Lahey Mortuaries.

“I can’t remember the last time I did a service that was 50 people or less,” said Vincent Phillips, manager at Biglow Funeral Directors. “I don’t know how we’re going to do it.”

Ashley Cozine, president of Cozine Memorial Group, said everything is changing especially quickly.

“Everybody has to be creative. We live in kind of unprecedented times right now.”

One option is webcasting funerals, which Cozine said his business has offered for almost a decade.

Another option is small burial services now and celebrations of life later.

Phillips said it’s an unfair situation.

“The people are already going through enough. But then when you have restrictions on how they can remember a loved one?”

It’s not only the families whose plans are forced to change. Sometimes it’s those of the deceased.

“They pretty much wrote it out the way they want it done, and they can’t have it,” Phillips said. “Those wishes are pretty much out the window.”

The Catholic Diocese of Wichita still is conducting funeral Masses for the deceased but with only immediate family members in attendance and no funeral meals to follow. The Diocese has advised priests that they can recommend immediate Christian burial with memorial Masses later.

In addition to helping grieving families, funeral homes are in the additional position of helping them navigate coronavirus concerns while also grappling with what it means for their industries.

“We are in crisis mode like most companies right now,” Morris said.

People who work in the funeral industry “are accustomed to stressful situations and working with people and going through difficult times,” he said. However, Morris added, “It’s unusual for . . . both parties to be in that same position.”

Cozine said that means no quarantines for him or anyone at his business.

“We’re here to serve families, and that really never stops,” he said.

Or, as Morris put it, “Death does not take a holiday, as they say.”

Cozine said communication is key right now, particularly for grieving families who still need love and support, even if it’s from afar.

“That’s still important. That doesn’t ever go away.”

Buselt has gone from worrying her mother would get coronavirus to planning a funeral around the disease all while trying to protect herself and her family from it. She’s asking friends to share gift cards instead of homemade meals, and Buselt is limiting visitors.

“We still at the same time are yearning for those hugs from loved ones,” she said. “Normally our house would be packed of people right now.”

O’Toole’s funeral will be for immediate family only, and Buselt said there will be a bigger celebration of life later.

She said she was looking at some e-mails from her mother, including one her mother sent after she was featured in The Wichita Eagle, where Buselt used to be a reporter and editor.

“It’s a big day,” her mother wrote. “I’m in the paper today.”

Buselt said her mother was tickled at the attention.

“She felt like a little local celebrity.”

Buselt thinks her mother would approve this time, too, despite that the attention is related to the coronavirus.

“I think she would like to be featured in the paper one more time.”

This story was originally published March 18, 2020 at 4:56 AM.