‘God’s grandmas’ talk to kids about abuse, one class at a time

They are not child abuse experts. Just two Wichita grandmas, so moved by a child abuse death in 2010 that they took it upon themselves to spread the word to prevent more suffering.

Their effort started small. They came up with a message, “Be aware. Child abuse can be anywhere!!! Call 911.” and had it printed on yard signs. The signs drew national attention.

They got invited to speak to a middle school class. The kids were so receptive, they decided to reach out to a wider audience and eventually got permission to take their message to other middle school classrooms. Hundreds of kids have heard them.

Where some people might not want to focus on something as disturbing as child abuse, Beverly “B. Kay” Van Es and Lily “Madrene” Hill couldn’t ignore it. To them, a children’s chance at a decent life depends on it.

So they are spreading the word, one class at a time, standing close enough to see into the children’s eyes. And kids are listening and sharing.

Two weeks ago, B. Kay said she had finished talking about physical and sexual abuse to one class, and as she walked by a smiling girl, the girl said in a soft voice to B. Kay, “That happened to me.”

B. Kay smiled back. Two souls met, and later, B. Kay told the teacher.

“That kind of thing really gets you,” B. Kay said in an e-mail.

Jackie Tabor, who teaches health at Wilbur Middle School, has seen how receptive the children are.

“They’re just grandmas, and all the kids have grandmas,” Tabor said.

Even the kids who are hard to reach seem drawn to B. Kay, a silver-haired 72-year-old retired florist with a bad knee, and Lily, a 66-year-old retired shoe store manager with bright eyes. They met in a water aerobics class.

B. Kay is a hard-charger who pounds her fist into her palm to emphasize how she feels about a mother not protecting her children. Lily is more measured. B. Kay is Methodist; Lily is Catholic. Their religion inspires them.

Tabor said the children listen to the two “because they care about kids.”

As the kids listen, some tear up. After the talk, some kids come up and hug the grandmas.

“It’s just spontaneous,” Tabor said. “They just want that kind of comforting.”

The grandmas don’t have a polished script or high-tech presentation. They talk, plainly and sincerely, Tabor said, with messages like, “Nobody should be touching you.” “If you can’t talk to your parents, there’s somebody you can talk to. Just keep talking, telling until someone listens.”

After a day of speaking to class after class about something that can be so draining, it has to be exhausting for the grandmas, Tabor said.

It is tiring, B. Kay and Lily say. Their voices wear out.

They say they could use some help, not just for their voices, but to reach more children. They hope other grandparents might join their efforts. Grandparents have time to help, they say, and kids sometimes listen to grandparents when they tune out parents.

In the past month, B. Kay and Lily have talked to more than 600 middle-schoolers. “But that is such a small amount,” Lily said.

They want people to know that they are available to speak to other groups, not just middle-schoolers.

In Lily’s garage, where the two women are making Christmas decorations to help raise money for a charitable group, they talked about their child abuse work. B. Kay said her husband told her she should give up the effort because she was taking it too personally.

“I can’t,” she said. “I figure that’s why I’m put here.”

What they say

What do they say to the kids?

“I tell them one in three girls and one in five boys is sexually abused before they’re 18,” B. Kay said.

She tells them it is not a child’s fault when someone hurts the child.

“I always tell them it was the sick adult who took advantage of the children.”

She knows victims have a tendency to feel guilty. “The kid didn’t ask for this trouble. It came to them.”

And this: “Nobody touches you where your swimsuit covers.” “You tell your teacher” if a friend tells you someone is touching them. “That’s a cry for help. You speak up.”

She brings up child sex trafficking and tells them, “If you go to the mall, use the buddy system, don’t go by yourself, don’t go looking like no one cares for you.” Because self-esteem and belonging helps a child not to become a victim, she says. As she stands in front of them, she straightens up and holds her head high.

“ ‘Go with an attitude,’ I tell them, and they just crack up at that.”

She brings up the Coach Jerry Sandusky case at Penn State and tells the students that if they go to a sports camp, or any camp, they should have a roommate because predators prey on someone who is alone. That if a coach tells them they are a great player, that’s fine, but if he asks them to come home with him, “You say, ‘No, thank you.’ ”

She tells them to be suspicious of someone who comes up and says, “You could be a model.”

“I tell them if anyone says, ‘Don’t tell,’ that means that person is doing something that is wrong.”

And she asks them, “I got a question for you: Is bullying child abuse?” Almost of all the students say, “Yes.”

Caring for babies

Lily talks about how babies can suffer brain injuries when someone shakes them. The grandmas feel that boys especially aren’t taught how to care for babies even though they need to know because they might end up as a caregiver.

Lily holds in front of the students an anatomically correct $850 doll, bought with a donation from the Prairie Pilot Club. Lily talks about how a baby can cry – and cry – and that you can’t take your frustration out on the baby.

The doll, about the size of a 4-month-old, keeps crying as she talks to the kids. The cry sounds real. As the doll keeps crying as she keeps talking over it, some students put their hands over their ears.

The kids get the message: It’s not easy to take care of a baby. It’s a big responsibility. You have to hold a baby the right way.

Lily tells them that if a baby keeps crying and you can’t control your frustration, call for help.

Most people who go to prison for killing a baby didn’t set out to kill someone so helpless, she believes. She thinks too many people who end up caring for babies never get even a basic message about how fragile infants are.

Lily tells the students that a baby’s brain is delicate, that if it’s bounced hard enough within the skull, “the damage is just terrific.”

Lily talks to students about positive thinking. She gives them an assignment: When you go to bed, write down five things you are thankful for that day. It could be as simple as milk in the refrigerator or a smile from a friend. She hopes they will do that for the rest of their lives.

God’s grandmas

B. Kay looks at the students with piercing eyes and tells them that if they are sexually abused at home, that running away is not the solution, that it would put them in another kind of danger, a different kind of prison. Get help, she says.

She also explains that there is a difference between discipline and abuse, that a spanking that leaves a mark or draws blood is abuse.

The two grandmas didn’t envision that more than two years ago, when they read about the killing of a 19-month-old North Newton boy named Vincent Hill, beaten by his mother’s live-in boyfriend, that they would be so moved about it, that it would inspire them to eventually speak to hundreds of students.

They sometimes call themselves “God’s grandmas.” B. Kay thinks about going to heaven and being greeted by children.

In the meantime, she and Lily say, there are so many children yet to be reached.

“Honestly,” B. Kay said, “if more people would get upset and say, ‘What can I do to help?’ I think you would be amazed what can happen.”

In an e-mail, she said, “Someone told me God chooses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. Quite a thought isn’t it.”

This story was originally published November 4, 2012 at 10:46 PM with the headline "‘God’s grandmas’ talk to kids about abuse, one class at a time."