Bonnie Bing

Like it or not, swimsuit season is here

The prayer I said for the weather to stay so cool swimming would be out of the question was not answered. Hot weather means swimming.

If you’re a regular reader of this column, you may remember that I’m not a fan of swimwear. I don’t call them “bathing suits” because when I bathe, I don’t wear a suit. And bathing takes place in the privacy of a bathroom with a double-locked door.

I haven’t even looked at swimsuits for women in several years. I have a drawer full of them but continue to wear the old black favorite. Black is so slenderizing, you know. However, we can only expect so much help from a color. Sadly, like all good things, it’s showing its age. Funny how the seat wears out before any other part.

When swimming suits for females started looking like slingshots, I was sure men who hated their sisters and weren’t wild about their mothers were behind the designs. Out of curiosity, I tried one on in a tiny dressing room in a hotel gift shop in California. I got so tangled up I nearly fell down. As it turned out, I put my head through two straps where one leg was supposed to go. But did I give up? No, because it was me against the sling shot. I was laughing the whole time, but once I got it on correctly, I was pretty much hysterical. When I saw the price tag of $152, it was a real knee slapper.

Most fashion magazines this year say that many styles are “offering more coverage.” Yes, some are. I’ve even seen some with skirts. Those work once in a great while. But if you’re getting in the water to really swim, say laps, for example, stay away from the skirted suits.

If you hate trying on swimsuits, order one out of the catalog. Such a good idea! Well, maybe. I’ve done that, but learned that when the swimsuit arrives and you try it on, there’s a chance it will look different than it does on the model on the page. In my case it looked so different I thought they had sent the wrong suit.

Some styles look vintage, such as Dolce & Gabbana’s blue-and-white striped suit that is reminiscent of the ’50s. It’s priced at $645. No, that’s not a typo. Back in the day, my mom had a similar swimsuit, but it had a zipper – yes, a real metal zipper. It had a bra built in that was so pointed it would put your eye out if she hugged you. And it took two of us to get her zipped into it when she gained a few pounds. Rest assured, she didn’t pay more than $25 for it.

I hope you are comfortable in your swimsuit and get out there for a cool splash down every chance you get. In the meantime, I’ll continue my search for the swimsuit that doesn’t bring to mind covering a grand piano with a cocktail napkin. Also, I refuse to wear a swimsuit so tight that putting it on is as challenging as putting a marshmallow in a drinking straw. Something’s got to give somewhere on that deal.

Reach Bonnie Bing at bingbylines@gmail.com.

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