How to offer support to breast cancer patients

If you have a friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, you can make a real difference.

While research shows that cancer patients who have a strong support network do better on their journey against the disease, friends of cancer patients often struggle with what to do or how to help.

“There’s a saying that the patients feel hopeless, and the caregivers and friends feel helpless,” said Diana Thomi, executive director of Victory in the Valley, a local cancer support organization that she co-founded in 1983 with her mother, a breast cancer patient.

“One of the most important things is to say, ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’ll go through this with you,’ ” said Thomi, a former nurse.

For 26 years, Peggy Johnson has counseled breast cancer patients through her volunteer work with Komen Kansas, a breast cancer support and education organization. Three years ago, Johnson, executive director of the Wichita Medical Research and Education Foundation, was diagnosed with breast cancer herself.

She agrees with Thomi that it’s important to let someone diagnosed with cancer know that she can count on you. “It’s helpful to say, ‘This will be a hard time for you, but I’ll be there for you, so please call me.’ ”

Research studies – such as one published in 2006 with 3,000 nurses diagnosed with breast cancer – have shown that women with breast cancer who have close friends and relatives not only have a better quality of life during treatment but have better mortality rates.

“Women find that with a friend, they can bare their soul,” unlike they can with a spouse or children, said Thomi. “One of the saddest things I hear is that someone doesn’t have anyone they can rely on or that their family isn’t close.”

Here are some tips and advice from Johnson, Thomi and other breast cancer survivors and experts on ways to help a friend diagnosed or living with cancer.

▪  Become informed. Cancer is going to become a big part of your friend’s life so learn common breast cancer terms and treatment options. Don’t, however, offer medical advice or opinions on diets, vitamins or herbal therapies, advises the American Cancer Society. The websites of the American Cancer Society (cancer.org) and Susan G. Komen (komen.org) are good resources not only to learn about cancer but also on how to provide support to someone with cancer.

▪  Stay in touch. With today’s many modes of communication, through texting, e-mail, handwritten notes, cards or calls, it’s easy to let a person know you’re thinking of them. “Funny cards can be wonderful,” Thomi said.

▪  Follow through. “Make your offers of help real and be prepared to follow through,” Thomi said. “When they get up the nerve to ask for help, don’t find excuses.”

▪  Go with her. Offer to take her to medical appointments or a support group. During the appointment, write down instructions so your friend can refer to them later. Breast cancer patients taking advantage of Victory in the Valley’s twice-a-month support group meetings (held at 7 p.m. the first and third Thursday of the month) can bring a female friend, said Thomi.

▪  Visit. During her treatment, Wichitan Marlene Glover found that some friends seemed almost reluctant or afraid to visit. “Sometimes you really enjoy some company,” said Glover, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in April 2013. Call ahead to see if your friend is up for visitors and, if necessary, keep the visit short.

▪  Be creative. Think about what the person is going through and bring her things she enjoys or bring happiness or comfort. One friend brought Johnson a new pair of pajamas during her treatment. Throw a hat or scarf party that doubles as a friendly get-together and a way to help a cancer patient who’s had hair loss, suggested Kirsten Bruce, Komen Kansas executive director. One of Johnson’s staff members shared a video she had found on how to tie and wear a headscarf that Johnson found very practical.

▪  Take care of meals. Chemotherapy can cause nausea, mouth sores or other side effects so ask your friend what sounds good or what she’d like to eat, suggested Johnson. Even if she can’t tolerate food, remember that the patient’s family and caregivers have to eat. Not knowing what Johnson could tolerate, her co-workers supplied her with restaurant gift cards, allowing her husband to pick up take-out orders for himself or the two of them.

▪  Do something physical. Exercise during cancer treatment can increase energy levels, lessen fatigue and improve tolerance to chemotherapy, research shows. Offer to come by and take a walk around the block, said Johnson.

▪  Take care of chores. Depending on your relationship, offer to take care of regular duties such as housekeeping, laundry, shuttling kids to and from activities or watching the children. You can also hire someone to help your friend with housekeeping chores.

▪  Just be there. Declare a “no judgment” zone and allow your friend to talk, Bruce suggested. “Sometimes just being there to listen is the best thing you can do,” Thomi said.

▪  Don’t forget the caregiver. Caregivers need support or a break, too. “When I was diagnosed, people asked me all the time, ‘What can I do for you?’ but no one asked my husband what they could do for him,” said Johnson.

▪  Stay in it for the long haul. “I heard from a lot of people at the beginning, but it was at the end of treatment that I really needed help,” Johnson said. “By the fourth chemo treatment, I thought I was going to die.”

There are also some don’ts you should keep in mind, said Thomi and Johnson.

▪  Don’t analyze or offer theories about why the person developed cancer.

▪  Don’t tell horror stories.

This story was originally published October 21, 2015 at 2:14 PM with the headline "How to offer support to breast cancer patients."