If I were a Stormtrooper on that blasted Death Star in ‘Star Wars’

Dear Mom,

There’s never a dull moment with life in the Galactic Empire. Just last week there was quite the disturbance here at the Death Star.

It seems Princess Leia (who has gone back to wearing cinnamon rolls on the side of her head – like that will ever be a thing) escaped Detention Block AA-23. I’m certainly glad I wasn’t on watch duty!

I heard that Jim heard a big explosion a couple of floors down, got on the intercom and asked what happened. The trooper on duty said something like, “Uh, everything’s under control. Situation normal.”

Uh, situation not normal, as he refused to give out his operating number and shoot the intercom! So Jim sent a squad up, only to find Princess Leia being rescued by some dude named Luke Skywalker and a smuggler named Han Solo. And a Wookiee!

There was a big blaster shoot-out that left the lobby in complete disarray. Hilda on the cleanup crew was none too happy. She said, “If it’s not ‘scrub the Imperial toilets,’ it’s ‘put the fire out in Detention Block AA-23.’ ” At least she gets paid overtime.

But I do have bad news. My roommate, Bert, was shot and killed in the rumble. It’s OK, though. He snored and had stinky feet. Besides, we Stormtroopers aren’t supposed to have any emotions. We’re just supposed to go about our duties with no questions asked, always wearing our helmets. I mean, what do the higher-ups think we are? Clones?

But I digress. The Princess escaped by leading her cohorts down to the sewage trash compactor. Can you believe that? Everybody knows that that’s where the deadly Dianoga sewage monster lives! Ew.

Somehow the Princess and her boys escaped that, too, and made it to their Millennium Falcon ship – if you can call it that. I mean, really, what a piece of junk! How that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs is beyond me!

Apparently, they got away because some Obi-Wan Kenobi fellow sneaked in and turned off the tractor beam. While I was on duty, even. I was mortified!

And I had just asked Bob, “Do you know what’s going on?”

He said, “Maybe it’s another drill.”

Argh! So we had to file a report. I mean, honestly, the amount of paperwork around here is going to kill all the trees on planet Endor!

But we got ours, though. While the rebels were escaping, Lord Vader challenged Obi-Wan to a light saber duel, and won! Ha! Don’t mess with the dark side, fool!

But Lord Vader was none too keen on the Princess escaping, no sirree. Now we all have to pull triple duty on our watch shifts!

Oh, by the way, I did get a new roommate, and do you know what he said? “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” I mean, really!

Uh-oh. The Imperial alarm is going off. I think this could be it. The attack on the Death Star by the rebel strike force. I have to man my position.

I have a bad feeling about this.

But don’t worry, Mom. We got this. Force, schmorse.

Love always,

Johnny, Stormtrooper operating number LS-007

This story was originally published December 16, 2015 at 5:13 PM with the headline "If I were a Stormtrooper on that blasted Death Star in ‘Star Wars’."