Movie award categories you won’t find at the Oscars

We’re headed into the final stretch of movie awards season, as Academy Award nominations will be announced on Thursday.

With it comes all the usual prestige we’ve come to expect with the Oscars. But I have no prestige whatsoever, so in anticipation of the nominations I offer some alternative movie awards in categories you won’t find at the Oscars:

▪  Best performance in high heels: Bryce Dallas Howard in “Jurassic World”

No other woman looked more fantastic outrunning hungry dinosaurs last year than Howard, who traipsed through jungles, waded through mud and ran up and down stairs – all in stiletto pumps. You go, girl!

▪  Best example that the Wachowski siblings are still bonkers: “Jupiter Ascending”

After the baffling “Cloud Atlas,” the directing duo delivered yet another confounding sci-fi tale that might as well have been told in Klingon.

▪  Best niche release: “Pitch Perfect 2”

Fans came out in droves for the sequel, which opened with a whopping $69.2 million at the domestic box office. It would go on to make $287 million worldwide, with a production budget of just $29 million. “Pitch Perfect 14” is probably being planned right now.

▪  Best cameo: Daniel Craig in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

I wont spoil it, and you’d never know it was him. But it was. And it’s awesome.

▪  Best bad-ass: Charlize Theron’s Furiosa in “Mad Max: Fury Road”

She took on a legion of War Boys, drove a huge War Rig, scuffled with Mad Max and saved her people from extinction. Oh, and she did it all WITH ONE ARM. Furiosa is a new female action hero who will rightfully take her place alongside Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor.

▪  Best surprisingly good film: “Creed”

I wasn’t expecting this at all, a love letter to the original Rocky Balboa that gave an Oscar-quality Sylvester Stallone the role of his life. The film didn’t just resurrect the “Rocky” spirit, it embodied it.

▪  Best welcome return to form: Keanu Reeves in “John Wick”

Whoa! Keanu, where have you been, dude? Regardless, it’s nice to see you slip effortlessly back into your cool shoes with this better-than-expected action thriller. “John Wick 2”? Yes, please.

▪  Best surprise that he’s funny: Jason Statham in “Spy”

Who knew? But he’s hilarious as a send-up of his tough-guy persona in Melissa McCarthy’s spy comedy. His best lines: “You really think you’re ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I’ve jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing. I still had to pretend I was in a Cirque du Soleil show!”

▪  Best wackiest use of a Nirvana song: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in “Pan”

Hugh Jackman, starring as Captain Hook, leads his pirates through a spirited rendition of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” And to think the movie bombed at the box office.

▪  Best use of stars to explain complex financial thingies: Margot Robbie, Anthony Bourdain and Selena Gomez in “The Big Short”

The film chronicles the housing financial crisis of 2008 and makes it accessible to people who have no idea what a hedge fund, subprime loan or CDOs are. All three stars appear in the film, cleverly break the fourth wall and explain to the audience what these things mean. It’s funny and creative, and I accidentally learned something. Go figure.

This story was originally published January 6, 2016 at 4:26 PM with the headline "Movie award categories you won’t find at the Oscars."