Does buying a swimsuit fill you with dread? Try these tips

Oh yes, even though the weather is still cool, it’s that time of year that smooth-skinned, flat-bellied people look forward to shimmying into a sleek bathing suit and head poolside.

The rest of us. Well, not so much. Not even a little. Actually it falls into the category of dread. This year I decided to try for a positive attitude adjustment. If you’ve read this column for the past 30 years you know that was no small goal.

I thought perhaps if I got a swimsuit that was somewhat flattering I’d quit hating the people who designed and manufactured them. I’m here to report so far keeping that attitude is becoming more and more difficult.

The catalogs are arriving in the mail. For starters, could someone in marketing come up with a better headline than “In the Swim” because it’s been used to death.

Sad to say I do need a new swimsuit because the two I bought last year look worse than I remember. I thought they’d stretch out like suits used to do, but nooooo. Thanks to all kinds of miracle stretch fibers they maintain their shape. Shouldn’t they be like memory form and maintain our shapes?

Knowing that some of you out there in Reader Land feel the way I do I’ve come up with a few tips for those of us who would love if a swim unitard with skirt would be the hot new look. After years of research, here’s what I found:

1. Even though you may need an adult beverage afterward, DO try on the swimsuit. Chances are it won’t look like it did on the mannequin or in a photo. I ordered from a catalog one time and thought they send me the wrong one. Nope.

2. Personally, I have a rule: I won’t try on a swimsuit unless I’m several hundred miles from home. The second you do shop here and step out to look in the three-way mirror, you hear your name and “is that you?” It’s a take-me-now-Jesus moment that you don’t want to experience.

3. Make sure you understand how the suit goes on before you attempt to put it on. If it has some extra straps or cut-outs beware! I learned this the hard way.

A salesperson in a small hotel gift shop in California talked me into trying on a swimsuit. She put me behind a little curtain. I got tangled up in the thing because I put my leg through the cut out that was supposed to expose my side. Then I got the wrong part around my neck. I got tickled trying to get out of it and snorted, (I do that when I’m trying not to laugh). The saleslady thought I was having some kind of medical issue.

1. If you take anyone shopping with you, make it an honest friend. I don’t recommend your significant other because that’s the person who probably told you, “No, those jeans don’t make you look fat.” Take an HONEST friend.
2. Try for that positive attitude I’m working on, but it’s okay to still wonder: Did all male swimsuit designers hate their mothers and sisters? Do all female designers have perfectly formed bodies, or at least do their models, who had a lettuce leaf for lunch?
3. And last but not certainly not least, be brave! Go in that dressing room with lights that make you look slightly green, or sometimes gray. By the time you get the first suit on you’ll have a sweat moustache and wonder why you’re doing this. Stand up straight. You’ve got this! But no, you can’t wear Spanx under your swimsuit.

There you go, you’re ready to go shop. And ponder this: Maybe the problem is looking in the mirror. Once you’re tucked into that suit (some of you will understand why I used the word “tucked,”) decide if it’s comfortable, can you move around in the water and have a good time? If yes, then get that one. You don’t have to look in the mirror if you don’t want to.

When you head to the pool, if someone doesn’t like how you look in it, it’s their problem.

This story was originally published May 16, 2021 at 3:11 AM.