Bonnie Bing: everyone is vulnerable to some degree. It’s part of being human
I recently had the pleasure of opening our home for a Junior League of Wichita small meeting. Thirteen young, accomplished women gathered in the living around the fire on a cold night to hear about JLW projects and have a discussion about a book they read. It gave them plenty of food for thought.
As a sustaining member I was by far the oldest person in the room, but I could quickly tell I was not the wisest. These women from a wide range of vocations were slow to start the conversation, but it was soon like a rock rolling down a hill. I listened and learned a lot.
As the group discussed the book “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown, the comments were not only insightful and reflective, but heartfelt, honest and sometimes humorous.
Vulnerability was one of the topics. According to Mr. Webster if you’re susceptible to wounds or open to attacks, you’re vulnerable. Do you wonder what makes some people so vulnerable they seem fragile and others aren’t, or at least never appear to be vulnerable?
Even though people roll their eyes when it’s said most traits go back to your youth, I think that’s true. I’m certainly not a counselor of any kind, but I think vulnerability can change with age. Personally I’m much less vulnerable now than I was when I was younger. And yes, I am trying to find advantages to aging.
Not only can advanced maturity lessen vulnerability, you can feel very vulnerable with one person and not at all with another.
Here’s an example: My friend’s husband talked nicer to their dog than he did to her. The first time I heard this I looked at her expecting to see a frown or a tear. Nothing. Later he said something that was even more hurtful. Again, no reaction.
When she and I became good friends I couldn’t take it any longer and asked, “Why do you let him get away talking to you like that?” She said, “Like what?”
They had been married so long she quit noticing. She was no longer vulnerable to his comments or tone of voice. It was for them, normal. Yet, when I got irritated at her one day and made a snarky comment loudly, tears came to her eyes immediately. That was far from our norm.
The group touched on the subject of normalcy. As a past school teacher and a volunteer in youth programs, the question often comes up in my mind. “What is their normal?”
When a child grows up being called names by a parent, or being made fun of (yes, this happens) they probably won’t react to the classroom bully who does the same thing. Feels pretty normal. But the student who has been reared in a home that has no tolerance for unkind words can’t take the verbal abuse so easily. It’s too far from his or her norm which makes them vulnerable. Too much of the time it is considered weakness.
And people of all ages try to hide anything that could be perceived as weakness.
This brought a part of the discussion that could be titled, “It’s OK to not be OK.” In this age of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and of course, Selfies, everyone appears showing their best side in the best light portraying lives that are just hunky dory. Even when that is far from the truth.
I read a column by Colin Fleming who says we shouldn’t clam up when life brings us down. Amen, brother. He advises we risk some candor. “You’ll find it a relief and others will respect you for it.”
Are we afraid if we ask someone, “How are you?” we’ll get an excruciating long explanation of a person’s troubles?” Or as the responder are we afraid they’ll think to themselves, ‘Geez, my troubles are much worse,’ ‘Just get over yourself, or ‘What a loser.’
Well, yes, those things can happen, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t risk it. If you share problems with good friends, they won’t respect you less, they will love and respect you more. And they’ll be flattered you trusted them. After all, everyone is vulnerable to some degree. It’s part of being human.
This story was originally published February 7, 2019 at 3:38 PM.