Now that Barbie is 60, it’s time for Boomer Barbie.
When I was having lunch with my friend Joyce recently we somehow started talking about Barbie dolls. We decided the Mattel toy company is truly missing the boat. Yes, Barbie is 60 years old now and they’ve sold more than a billion dolls, but think it over Mr. Mattel. The old girl is 60. SIXTY.
This world needs a Boomer Barbie!
Joyce and I came up with exactly what the Boomer Barbie should look like. For starters, go ahead and add a few years to her. Baby Boomers everywhere will have to have one or two of these dolls. Let’s get realistic with these grandkids.
First of all as the dolls are coming off the production line make sure there is a pattern on the skin, much like crape fabric. On the underneath of the upper arms, make a flexible flap that will wave when you raise Boomer Barbie’s arm.
Forget that thick mane we have seen on every doll from Astronaut Barbie to Computer Engineer Barbie. Boomer Barbie’s hair is thinning and at least the roots should be gray.
Boomer Barbie will have beautiful eyes, but alas, she needs an extra layer of skin on each lid and very few eyelashes.
Wrinkles need to go on her neck, especially in front. Oh and those perky breasts Paratrooper Barbie is so proud of? Well, gravity has not been a friend to Boomer Barbie so hers point toward her belly that is no longer flat.
A roll around the waist will add realism. Yes, it makes it more difficult for Boomer Barbie to bend but the truth hurts.
The cute rounded hips on Lifeguard Barbie aren’t at all like Boomer Barbie’s hips. Gravity again. Hers have slipped and are making their way to the back of her knees. Which reminded Joyce and me, a few varicose veins are a must on the prototype.
Boomer Barbie’s knees should look like tiny potatoes and don’t forget the bunions on her feet. See, that’s what all those darned high heels did to you, Miss Secretary Barbie.
What should Boomer Barbie wear? A mini, sleeveless sundress? Nope. That ship has sailed honey. Boomer Barbie will have on elastic waist capri pants and a cute top with elbow length sleeves and stylish, but comfortable sandals.
She’ll wear her fake designer sunglasses on her head and reading glasses on her nose.
And of course she’ll have accessories and the little extras that make any Barbie so special. No pool, three-story dream home or four-car garage because Boomer Barbie has downsized.
Listen up toy designers, this is what should be included in Boomer Barbie’s packaging: A jar of wrinkle cream, a pair of Spanx, her AARP card, extra pairs of reading glasses, a hearing aid, hair color, a colonoscopy appointment card, her book club book, vitamins, a wine glass and wine bottle, and a black one-piece swimsuit for water aerobics class.
But the best feature of Boomer Barbie should be the big smile on her face. She should have a grin that shows off those expensive crowns and lets people know she is one happy woman.