Bonnie Bing: For the sake of conversation, talkers need to follow a few simple rules
It seems the column I wrote a few weeks ago about being a good listener hit a chord with a lot of people. E-mails ranged from “I sent it to my kids” to “I admit it. Most of the time I just pretend to listen.”
That person isn’t alone. It was reported in the Wall Street Journal that listeners estimate they tune out during conversations about 30 percent of the time. This little factoid comes from a study by Harvard Business School. Just think what the percentage would have been if they asked students how often they space out in classes.
After several conversations with people about the importance of being a good listener, it dawned on me those doing the talking also should be aware of a few rules.
Just about everyone knows a person who when he or she starts toward you, your heart beats fast and you start thinking of ways to escape what is sure to be a long, one-sided conversation.
Here’s a good example: My mom said to be nice to everyone and never be rude. So, there I was enjoying a high quality glass of wine at a low-key gathering when a person I don’t know approached with sort of a wild look in her eyes. She started by stating my pet peeve: “You don’t remember me, do you?”
Before I knew it, The Talker had me backed into a corner telling me every detail of how her next door neighbor’s daughter worked really hard by practicing on the driveway hours and hours and had won the baton twirling contest in Kansas City last weekend, and now she gets to go to somewhere in Kentucky for the national competition and who would have guessed they still have twirling competitions and did I know how really athletic baton twirling is, not to mention how dangerous it is when you light the ends of the batons on fire. At this point I felt like my hair was on fire.
As she chattered on and on, I thought, ‘Here was a person who could stay underwater for a very long time because she has not drawn a breath.’
So yes! The talker is also responsible for at least 50 percent of a successful, satisfying conversation.
When my friend Vicky calls, she almost always asks, “Do you have a minute?” When I call someone I try to remember to do that before launching into whatever I have to say. Tip: Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
Several of my friends, especially Cheryl who lives in Arizona, can tell by the way I say “hello” if it’s a good time to talk. My mom could tell after one syllable if I was down about something, even when I worked at sounding perky. Tip: Listen to the tone of the person’s voice, or in person, the expression on their face.
An organization, Listen First, takes the subject of communication very seriously. The website states “Listen First Project encourages conversations that prioritize understanding to bridge divides and mend our frayed social fabric.”
The five-year-old Listen First Project creates opportunities and teaches skills for conversations that they hope will result in a stronger and more equitable future for not only the nation, but for individual’s daily lives. Go to www.listenfirstproject.org for more information.
A very wise man, Mr. Rogers, wanted us to realize the importance of meaningful conversation. He said, “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”
After talking to people, listening to people and reading articles on this subject, I’ve decided the main thing is to simply pay attention. If you’re talking, pay attention to the listener. If you’re listening, pay attention to the person talking.
Easy, huh? Indeed it is! Unless, of course, you’re trapped by a fan of baton twirling.