After certain age, the words ‘happiness’ and ‘bikini’ do not go together

We’ve had unseasonably warm temperatures. The daffodils have bloomed. Robins are showing up. All this says spring. It does not say summer, so get these swimsuits out of my sight until it’s closer to the time we dive in.

I got an e-mail, complete with color photos, with the headline: “You can’t buy happiness … but you can buy a bikini!” Wait, what? It’s been years since I would use the word “happiness” and “bikini” in the same sentence. You can bet a young, smooth-skinned, flat-bellied, cellulite-free woman wrote that news release.

But it got me looking at the selection of this year’s swimwear. Catalogs with nothing but swimsuits continue arriving. They might as well say in bold letters “Look at this and back away from that PBJ sandwich and chips.” My friend told me those models aren’t that perfect, it’s all air-brushed. Listen, honey, my photo would need a blowtorch.

At first I thought it was just me thinking all the swimsuit bottoms covered less of the woman’s bottom than ever before. But when I got a text from my 16-year-old granddaughter saying she was having a hard time finding a swimsuit that covered enough of her derriere (my word, not hers), I knew my conservative mind wasn’t playing tricks.

Sadly, I’ve noted the overexposure in the back has struck in the one-piece category as well. That simply won’t do. I’m not saying I want the suits with zippers and stays to come back, but please let us be able to find a one-piece swimsuit that doesn’t feel like a permanent wedgie.

I will forever believe that men design these swimsuits with the vision of their fantasy, perfectly-formed dream girl in their heads. The more they were mistreated by their mother, their sisters, their female teachers, the smaller the swimsuit they design. They’re getting back at all of them.

We can’t give in. I would never subject fellow swimmers to this body in a swimsuit made of approximately 1/18th of a yard of fabric. Yes, there are those people who say, “Who cares? Just go and have fun.” Hey, I have fun. I get in the water and splash around, I just make sure I’m wearing my favorite swimsuit. Bless that Lycra. It’s stretched out in all the right places.

The other day my husband asked, “Who are you talking to?” I didn’t want to admit I was talking to my 5-year-old black swimming suit, begging it to last just one more year.

This story was originally published March 9, 2017 at 3:24 PM with the headline "After certain age, the words ‘happiness’ and ‘bikini’ do not go together."