How science gives us a recipe for holiday conversations
Every group that gathers for the holidays has their own traditions. But strife at the table is as American as a Christmas turkey — and as our political climate grows more discordant, so do the conversations at holiday gatherings.
A 2017 poll found one in six Americans reported no longer speaking with a friend or family member following the 2016 election. This year, researchers Nathan P. Kalmoe and Lilliana Mason published “Lethal Mass Partisanship,” which found that nearly 20% of respondents believed that the country would be better off if large numbers of the opposing party died; 42% of each political party viewed the other as “downright evil.”
The holidays tend to exacerbate those underlying tensions. But there are tools to find understanding.
Science can help.
Neuroscientists, social psychologists and political scientists are exploring how and why we resolve conflict and discovering tactics we can use to hear and understand each other. University of North Carolina professor Kurt Gray calls this the “tolerance cocktail”: equal parts recognizing each other’s humanity amid strife and focusing on our shared similarities.
First, do something together. Researchers focused on understanding our brains and our psyche are discovering that we often need a shared experience of awe, humor or physical exertion to build trust. Shared experiences can include making dinner, setting the table or going for a walk.
Second, enter with a posture of learning or listening rather than persuasion. Conversations can get stuck, and these arguments can start to feel like standoffs for which there is no end. Conflict resolution experts recommend that by trying to understand an opposing view instead of changing it, you may change the narrative.
Next, start with stories instead of facts. Storytelling can also be key to neutralizing rhetoric. Pew recently found that seven out of 10 Americans believe we cannot “agree on basic facts,” and the idea of what is truth is a constant source of strife. Facts are important. But storytelling is vital as well, especially when it comes to bridging divides.
Lastly, identify the common ground. The people at your table may disagree with you on military spending or immigration. But look again: Among those same people is a foundational piece of common ground. And even if it is something niche like monetary policy or a moral code that believes murder is wrong, exploring that common ground can help us start seeing each other as more than political opponents.
Even with these tools, conversations can be daunting.
We can all see the problem, even if we feel stymied by finding a solution.
The family traditions that bring us together still mean something to us and are rooted in our respect for one another. Every person has dignity and is deserving of respect. Dehumanizing someone by reducing them to their opinions changes the conversation.
Wherever you’re seated for the holidays, you’ve got a recipe for inviting conversation. What you hear and what you understand may surprise and delight you. And that’s something to celebrate.