Government auditors "said the stimulus money's being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me: In other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist." — Jay Leno
"A new poll found that only 41 percent of voters approve of President Obama's job performance. When he heard this, Obama was like, 'OK, but how do they feel about my vacation performance?'" — Jimmy Fallon
"The Department of Labor has launched a new website to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the website is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years." — Craig Ferguson
"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the vice president in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." — David Letterman
Premium content for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.