BP's "company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al-Qaida taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." — Jimmy Kimmel
"Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him." — David Letterman
"He has been in the hospital so many times, the gift shop is now selling Dick Cheney bobblehead dolls." — Letterman
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