"The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They're going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award." — David Letterman
"The Republicans are offering their own health care plan. It's called 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people's health is actually better than it was before. Isn't that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome!'" — Jay Leno
Premium content for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.