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Late-night laughs

"Police in Wichita, Kan., say a 44-year-old man and a woman on a date decided to have sex in a trash Dumpster and when they were discovered by two passers-by, they got robbed. That's why, you know, when I'm having sex in a Dumpster, I like to keep the lid closed. You want to keep out the lookyloos. You know, shut the door. Give the woman some privacy. No, this is true. They said on the news it was just a date and when the robbers appeared, it started to go horribly wrong. Really? I mean, at what point is sex in a Dumpster going right?" — Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a tough speech to the Wall Street executives. See, Wall Street is considered a safe place for Obama. You see, on Wall Street, if someone yells out 'You lie,' you could be talking to anybody." — Leno

"A new book that's coming out about former President George W. Bush said that Bush once called Barack Obama a 'cat' with 'no clue.' Of course, that was back when Bush's speeches were written by jazz legend Wynton Marsalis." — Conan O'Brien