News Columns & Blogs

Late-night laughs

"Ninety percent of all paper money in this country (has) traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money. At least American money is worth something again." — David Letterman

"Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer." — Letterman

"I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon" and "I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance, 'Circus Fantasy.'" — Britney Spears, reading "Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President" on Letterman