"GM announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And Nissan said their new car's going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's crazy. In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you want." — Conan O'Brien
"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants to Win Just Under $250,000.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one-third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" — O'Brien
President Obama "said twice that the AARP supports his health care plan, even though the AARP hasn't endorsed it. He's probably think of that other senior citizens group. What's the name? Oh, yeah, Congress." — Fallon
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