South Carolina Gov. Mark "Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." — Craig Ferguson
“President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." — Jimmy Fallon
"Here's a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I'm kind of afraid to say anything." — David Letterman
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