"Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." — Jay Leno
"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male and Republican. In other words, Republican." — Jimmy Fallon
“Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne film coming out. I guess he's a CIA agent who tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. Yeah, but see, in this one, she's the one that gets amnesia. That's the twist." — Leno
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