After the pain, anguish and humiliation suffered last year at this time, I'm happy to report I don't have to shop for a new swimsuit this year.
I figure a new bathing suit every five to 10 years is plenty. It takes several years to get it stretched out enough to qualify as "Old Faithful."
So why on Earth did I spend time recently looking through a catalog full of nothing but bathing suits? After the second page I could feel my eyebrows getting closer and closer together. By the time I reached the string bikini page I had a unibrow across my forehead.
That bikini model was a true killer, head to toe. Someone had spent at least an hour applying dozens of beauty products and cosmetics to get the natural look on her flawless face.
She was running toward the camera as though she just got out of that ocean behind her. Right.
Her suit made of three fabric patches, each the size of a postage stamp, held together with embroidery thread, wasn't even damp. Her hair had been spritzed, but it sure didn't have the drowned-rat look that a normal human being has after going for a dip.
Wonder if swimsuit models hate to wear clothes that cover up such excruciatingly good bodies?
Actually, I asked that very question to a perfectly formed 20-year-old who modeled for me a couple of years ago. She was the one who had to eat at least five times a day or she lost weight.
The more skin she revealed and the more she talked about eating pancakes nearly every day, the more difficult it was to believe she and I were of the same species.
At any rate she said she didn't really like to wear a swimsuit because she didn't like people to see the "extra big freckle" on her thigh.
A freckle? I couldn't comment because my varicose veins flashed before my eyes.
She's worried about a slightly overgrown freckle on her thigh while my right thigh looks like a road map to Kentucky.
Someday, when gravity is no longer her friend, she'll look at that freckle and realize that little spot is the least of her worries.
Heck, I don't even worry about my road map anymore.
Time for teens — If you're a teenager who wants a new look that's just right for you, read on.
Wichita stylist Robin Wilborn wants to make over three teen girls. "I want to teach them how to take care of their hair and how to style it themselves, not just give them a new look," he said.
So, girls, send me your photo, phone number and a short essay on why you should be the one to get a new 'do and makeup advice. It will be free, thanks to Robin.
You may e-mail your entry to me or send it in the mail to:
The Wichita Eagle
P.O. Box 820
Wichita, KS 67201
The deadline for entries is two weeks from today. That would be April 5. The three winners will be featured in The Wichita Eagle.