More best Opinion Line 2013

12/29/2013 12:00 AM

12/29/2013 12:26 PM

Gasoline rose another dime. I can’t remember why. Corporate greed? Obama’s fault? Bush’s fault? Benghazi? Memorial Day gouging? Flying monkeys? Maybe it’s a gay agenda? Bovine flatulence? Richard Crowson’s cartoon?

I was glad to help pull out several people who were stuck in the snow. If their car had an Obama bumper sticker on it, I’d push them in a little deeper.

Watching the continuing administration debacle over Syria (and all the other nonsense), one cannot help but wonder: Would we be better off with the rodeo clown?

John Boehner broke into tears when he was re-elected speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. Me, too.

What? Mindless, entranced humans who consume everything while leading themselves to ruination? Those aren’t zombies. They’re Democrats.

Tyrants, dictators, communists and socialists all around the world agree – gun bans worked for them.

Those who are wearing the Buddy Holly-style glasses are kidding themselves. They didn’t even look good on Buddy Holly.

If they won’t trust you with a gun, how long will they trust you with something really powerful, like a pen?

Late last night I wanted to complain about politicians’ tiresome cliches, but I decided to wait until later. I guess at the end of the day, I kicked the can down the road.

Soup and crackers can be very filling.

So they call it daylight saving time, but in the process we all lose an hour of sleep. The government had to have a hand in that.

Did you hear about the new sports bar in Aggieville? The drinks are pretty good, but they make you leave after the first round.

I am rooting for the Shockers, but calling them the No. 1 basketball team in Kansas because of this year is like calling south-central Kansas a rain forest because it rained Tuesday.

During my daily morning walk in the country, I swear the neighborhood rooster crowed, “Shocker-doodle-doo.”

Mankind only has one natural predator – stupidity. The government needs to let it do its job. Do away with warning labels.

Even though Monday was so windy, it was nice to see the Kansas state bird, the plastic bag, was able to stay airborne.

I’m very surprised the anti-gun nuts aren’t protesting the showing of “Annie Get Your Gun” in town.

The older I get, the more I realize why a doctor sets up a “practice.”

The problem with people these days is that they have adopted tomorrow as a labor-saving device of today.

The Kansas Statehouse is beautiful. Renovated with an overbudget multimillion-dollar price tag, it is nearly finished. All it needs now are statues depicting corporate logos and an inviting red light over the front door.

Now that the Legislature has spent millions of dollars covering the Capitol dome in copper, how long will it take for the metal thieves to cart it away and sell it for scrap?

After the bats are removed from Curtis Middle School, go on up to the Capitol in Topeka and remove them there.

City of Wichita: I noticed Menards has driveway patch on sale. Would you mind picking up a few bags and fixing 45th Street North between Rock and Webb? Call me if you find my Volkswagen.

I am devastated. I just learned that my online girlfriend has been cheating on me with a famous football player.

In two recent photos in The Eagle, Gov. Sam Brownback appeared to have his eyes closed. He knows we can see him even if he can’t see us, right?

On Sunday I had a shopping cart that kept pulling to the right. It must be a Republican.

I think the new state song should be Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred.”

Terrorists must be behind all sealed plastic packaging.

How windy is it in southwest Kansas? You should hold your mouth shut to keep the other end from whistling.

I named my dog “Congress” because of the way he does his business in the house.

So did the folks who swore in the Kansas legislators get mixed up and have the elected officials swear on the Constitution to uphold the Bible?

“Global warming,” “climate change” – in my youth we called it “weather.”

So President Obama didn’t know anything about the IRS targeting conservative groups. You’d think his caddie would have told him something.

An Eagle headline read: “Big steroid to fly by Earth on May 31.” I’m glad it’s only a steroid and not a laxative.

It is apparent that the only culture some people are exposed to comes from their yogurt.

I notified the phone company that is has been billing me incorrectly. I’ve been paying for a private line. But since the government is listening, I have and should only be paying for a party line.

NSA spying, IRS scandals, FBI drones. Gee, Ted Kaczynski doesn’t look like a nutcase anymore, does he?

It won’t be long and you will hear: “For English, press two.”

I saw city workers out filling potholes in the street from the recent storms. Naturally, my first thought was, “Hey, if they can get out this soon to patch our aging roads, then we need to cut more government services and create more tax loopholes to protect the rich.”

Install giant funnels above the Wichita City Council’s precious decorative fountains, let the rain fill them with water, call it art, and let the federal government (some other taxpayer) pay for it. Win, win, win.

Guess who is going to pay for the school buses and gasoline needed to transport the kids to the new Southeast? You are. But do not blame the school board members. I blame their butlers. Everybody knows the butler always does it.

We are celebrating independence once again from England. I hope I will be alive to celebrate our independence from China.

Think outside the box, Wichita. I bet if you change the name of the Finney State Office Building to the Brownback State Office Building, the state would not move out.

We can build another sports complex, but we can’t build a new Central Library. Someday we will have huge bodies and tiny heads. Oops – when I look around, I see that perhaps it has already happened.

If you are looking for a job, try dressing and acting like a prospect instead of a suspect.

Should a billionaire industrialist be required to pass a background check before purchasing a U.S. congressman?

If we eliminate the minimum wage can we impose a maximum wage, too?

Did you ever notice that all the pundits who think the Second Amendment cannot cover modern semi-automatic weapons have no problem at all believing that the First Amendment covers Twitter?

You Obama haters might want to pace yourselves. You might need to save your venom for eight years of the Hillary Clinton presidency.

Thanks to our hapless president and his inept administration, Sarah Palin can see Edward Snowden from her front porch.

If heaven is so great, why are we all trying to live so long by eating salmon and exercising?

Bradley Manning’s punishment for leaking U.S. government secrets was being sentenced to 35 years in Kansas. Really? I kind of like it here.

What idiot came up with “one size fits all”?

Reverseophobia: the fear of feeling you’re driving backward in the center lane of Kellogg while those in the lanes on either side of you zip by at 70 and 80 mph.

Working at Spirit AeroSystems is like being a goldfish in a blender – you never know when someone’s going to push the button.

What will Republicans have to complain about when Hillary Clinton does not play golf?

Miss Kansas had tattoos? Sorry, I didn’t notice them.

Saying the Democrats shut down the government is like saying the victim shot himself because he wouldn’t give the gunman his wallet.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Or is that the definition of teaching?

A fertilized egg is a real person like a Facebook friend is a real friend.

Obama to Iran: “If you like your nukes, you can keep your nukes.”

The next presidential election should be decided by a bacon-eating contest. At least that would make more sense than the Electoral College.

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