Opinion Line

December 29, 2013

Best of Opinion Line 2013

Here’s a sampling of favorite Opinion Line comments from the year:

Here’s a sampling of favorite Opinion Line comments from the year:

Air Capital musings

What do Gen. Custer, the Dreamlifter pilots and Justin Kraemer have in common? They all said the same thing.

Tired of paying for Riverfest buttons to foot the bill for everyone else? Welcome to conservatism.

I have a solution for our city’s financial woes: hummus tax.

The kids and I were excited to see the “Legalize Pot” float at the St. Patrick’s parade. I can’t wait for a “Meth Mobile” next year.

Name the Wichita airport for Kathleen Sebelius, so no crash occurring there can be blamed on anyone.

How about the “Air Capital Boot Hill Spirit of the Old West Eisenhower Earhart Pioneer Tallgrass Prairie Chicken Tornado Alley Airport and Coffee Shop”?

Concerning the geese pooping on golf courses: They’re simply behaving normally. However, if they start to pick up sticks and try knocking little balls into a hole in the ground, they should be psychologically examined.

I don’t know why they’re coming here to look for Bigfoot. I think I already found him. He’s my neighbor.

In the Bible, when Adam and Eve gardened in the nude in the Garden of Eden, it was called Paradise. When I try to garden in the nude in Wichita, why do the police call it a misdemeanor?

Street views

Kellogg is Wichita’s thrill ride.

The most dangerous creature on the road is a driver eating a dip cone.

I saw a guy riding a horse while texting. For the horse’s sake, I hope he didn’t have a car charger.

I get a warm feeling when I stop at intersections around Wichita and all the young women drivers around me are looking down and praying. At least I hope they are praying.

Bang, bang

The NRA’s solution to gun violence is more guns. Its solution to climate change is more guns. Its solution to a quadratic equation is more guns.

“Making it illegal to own an assault rifle will make me think twice before getting one and killing people,” said no criminal ever.

Guns don’t kill; neither do cars. Stoplights are an infringement on your rights, and just the first step in President Obama’s scheme to take away your cars. After the car and guns he’ll get your Farrah Fawcett posters and your possum traps. Better rise up.

If the EPA mandates cleaner air, we would be better able to see the black helicopters coming to take our guns.

Down with D.C.

Seeing the four ex-presidents and current president together, all I could think of was four rich white guys on government welfare, and one black man with a full-time job.

Obama has been able to accomplish in his short tenure with Obamacare what unions have only just been able to dream about – the 30-hour workweek.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it.

The U.S. economy has been commencing to begin to start to prepare to get ready to improve for four years now.

Thank you, Republicans, for showing me that taking my family hostage to get peas off the menu is a legitimate strategy.

What do you call thousands of federal employees being furloughed? A good start.

Why isn’t Joe Biden on the “nonessential” government employee list?

I’m going to hook up a flux capacitor to my bicycle, find a very long and steep hill, and go back to a point in time when we had a functional government.

So now we find out the post office is logging all mail for law enforcement. Well, if my aunt’s secret sour cream banana bread recipe suddenly appears online, heads will roll.

Home, sour home

I know that many Kansans don’t buy into science and arithmetic, but I see folks in 28-degree weather in T-shirt and shorts, not believing a thermometer. Then there are the gravity nonbelievers, with their pants around their butt.

Welcome to Kansas, ladies, where your gun has more rights than your womb.

New Kansas state motto: “If it ain’t broke, break it.”

Topeka math: Brownback plus Kobach equals Kansas setback.

My cat is lazy, unproductive and begs for food. Will Kansas mandate that he be drug-tested?

Is there any truth to the rumor that out of five remaining moderates in Kansas, three are in hiding and two will be part of a special exhibit at the Sedgwick County Zoo during the month of May?

Methinks that the likes of Sam Brownback, Kris Kobach and Tim Huelskamp are elected – and re-elected – by the voting bloc that also thinks “Family Circus” is “just darling.”

If Kansas were a girl, I’d date her.

Sports reports

My grandbaby is confused and has been chanting, “Rock, Shocks, Jayhawks, go, KSU.”

WSU: Please stop winning. You are making me look stupid. Signed, CBS Sports analyst.

Don’t think for a second that any liberal-minded referee could be fair against a university’s basketball team linked to Charles Koch.

On the 30th anniversary of the George Brett pine-tar game, William and Kate named their child George. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

I thought I had turned my TV to the World Series, but I must have gotten “Duck Dynasty” instead.

Debating grapes, steps

While sorting through bags of grapes at the grocery store to pick the ones that suited me, I was chastised by another shopper. She told me several times I wasn’t “allowed” to do that. Huh? Maybe she should have alerted the grape police and had me arrested.

I’m with the person complaining about the grape manhandler. I also dislike peach sniffers.

You can’t pick and choose grapes out of bags of grapes at a grocery store. I wouldn’t have chastised you. I would have slapped you.

I didn’t know there were so many angry people with regard to how others shop. Slapping someone over grapes? Sounds like a Republican thing.

Please, people – I’m a two-stair stepper. If you’re a one-at-a-timer, that’s fine. But go a little bit faster. I will run you over.

To the two-stair stepper: Pardon me for being 84.

I prefer two steps also. I take one into the elevator and one out. Works great.

Odds and ends

I’m a marriage counselor, and every time I hear the phrase “civil unions,” I just have to laugh.

The American Medical Association has declared obesity a disease. I am calling in fat – I mean sick – tomorrow.

Fact: It’s impossible to be angry while getting a massage.

Few things in life are more exhilarating than a close shave.

Dozens of people at Walmart, and I get stuck walking behind the whistler.

When I hear someone say “I seen,” I know the next words won’t be “a book.”

If I were half the man my dog thinks I am, I would be Superman.

I’m having a piece of cake, bacon and a beer for breakfast. Why? Because I’m a grown flippin’ man, that’s why.

I don’t shave my head. I don’t want folks to see where the maintenance access panels are.

I hope the next pope chooses the name Bob. I would trust a Pope Bob.

I’m going to learn to make Sudafed out of meth. Meth’s easier to get.

“Let’s try that new Chinese buffet,” she said. “It looks good,” she said. Well, now she’s on the john and I’m texting the Opinion Line.

I wonder why condoms are not advertised on daytime TV but diapers are.

How the dynamics of America would change if jalapenos got you high.

Does Opie’s rock ever hit the water?

How sad – Howdy Doody has lowered himself by trying to sing while half-naked. Oh, wait – maybe that was Miley Cyrus.

The Opinion Line has been way too serious lately. Let’s all go streakin’!

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