Best of Opinion Line 2012

12/30/2012 12:00 AM

12/28/2012 5:22 PM

E-mail comments, 50 words or fewer, to opline@wichitaeagle.com.

Here’s a sampling of favorite Opinion Line comments from 2012:

Boeing going

Wichita used to build bombers for Boeing. Now it just got bombed by Boeing.

Maybe if we build another arena, Boeing will stay.

Live by the plane, die by the plane.

Home, sour home

The constant references to Wichita as “River City” always seem silly, particularly when the river needs to be mowed.

I like that bank’s new slogan, “Bravely Onward.” But in Kansas, the slogan should be “Barely Onward.”

What can people from every city larger than Wichita say to their friends from Wichita? Nice tooth.

I’ll miss the old Kellogg and I-235 intersection. I have always considered getting on or off of Kellogg a thrilling challenge.

I was down at the tag office the other day. There for a while I thought they would get Kellogg done before I got my car tag.

Our government sends billions of our dollars overseas each year to countries that hate us, trying to buy their love. Try that on South Broadway and you’d get arrested.

There’s too much violence associated with closing time at local bars. Therefore, bars should never close.

Just an observation: The police don’t need to ask the churches, unlike the bars in Old Town, to stagger the times they let out.

You want to save Riverfest? Give it to the gay community. Now they know how to throw a party.

Kechi does not have “slow children,” regardless of what those yellow signs say.

Election reflections

Kansas Republicans have done well in selecting Rick Santorum as their preferred candidate. He has the best chance to beat President Obama in November, provided the 15th, 19th and 26th amendments can be repealed in time.

Time to update the state motto: “Though many are better, there are none that are redder.”

Fluoride is against gay marriage and raising taxes, and hates abortions. There – it should win the election now.

I’ll bet a dog would rather ride on the roof of the Romneys’ car than be eaten by Obama.

“Forward”? Obama must have gotten that campaign slogan off a golf cart shift lever.

The reason Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to flounder is because he reminds every woman of her first husband.

Am I the only person who thinks Paul Ryan looks like Eddie Munster?

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to put an Obama sticker on your bumper and remove all doubt.

And all the Kochs’ horses and all the Kochs’ men couldn’t keep Obama from the White House again.

Politics as usual

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Give a man a welfare check, free medical care, food stamps and a prescription for free “medicinal” marijuana, and he votes Democrat for a lifetime.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Give a man a tax loophole, tax-free medical insurance, a farm subsidy and let him exploit the labor of an illegal alien, and he votes Republican for a lifetime.

Bill Clinton is beginning to look more like W.C. Fields every day.

I have three conservative neighbors who own dogs that don’t bark, but I also have two liberal-thinking neighbors whose dogs bark for no reason. Ironic?

The GOP has become a “Father Knows Best” party in a “Modern Family” world.

Contrary to what Hollywood and the Democrats want you to believe, most of us don’t have a homosexual family member and Sofia Vergara would never marry a guy who looked like Ed O’Neill.

Hard times

If capitalism is so great, why are we borrowing money from the communists?

If young adults pulled their pants up, would the unemployment rate go down?

Instead of the fiscal cliff they should refer to it as the Donner Pass, because the have-nots are fixin’ to eat the haves.

Over the past several years, I have given up smoking, alcohol and sex. Now my doctor wants me to stop eating meat. And you wonder why old people get grumpy.

Brownback flak

Couldn’t we implement Gov. Sam Brownback’s new tax plan more efficiently if those of us who are low- to middle-income simply took one paycheck per month and hand-delivered it to a family in Eastborough, Vickridge or Wilson Estates?

Brownback and his fellow legislative abusers of the Kansas Open Meetings Act have given new meaning to “Sam’s Club.”

Praise Kochs from whom all blessings flow. Their wealth will trickle down below. They don’t pay tax, but we still do. Their money gave us Brownback, too. Amen.

First there was “Obamacare.” Now there is Brownback’s “Kan’tCareLess.”

Note to self: Never have Brownback endorse me.

Sporting views

My friend and I would like to add synchronized treadmill to the Olympics.

Bubba and I want to know how come there ain’t no Olympic NASCAR.

Earlier in the year, a friend suggested that the Kansas City Chiefs should suit up Len Dawson. I told him that was crazy. Now I’m not so sure.

KU should turn its football stadium into a Frisbee golf course.

Whatever

Dear Religion: While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were OK to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, your friend, Science.

Those who don’t believe we evolved from monkeys have obviously never worked with the public.

A new phone book showed up on my doorstep. How cute – somebody printed out a chunk of the Internet so I can recycle it.

Just when I’ve given up on the younger generation, I hear about alcohol enemas.

I wonder how many of you churchgoing ladies are secretly reading the book “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Pot gets legalized and Twinkies threaten to disappear in the same month? Well-played, America, well-played.

Two people win $294 million each 24 days before the world is going to end? Well-played, Mayans, well-played.

The reason more men are grocery shopping can be summed up in two words: yoga pants.

My furnace is going through menopause. It comes on when unneeded and turns off when needed.

I’m a 40-year-old guy who enjoys (discreetly) pretending to use “the Force” to open the doors at Walmart, Dillons, etc. Is that weird?

If same-sex marriages are legal, does that mean no-sex marriages are legal, too?

Do you have to be rude to get a cellphone, or is it a trait you acquire after buying one?

Apparently, some people confuse cubicle walls with real walls. For eight hours Wednesday, I got to listen to stories about cats, real-estate agents and feet.

I wonder if they allow concealed carry at nudist colonies.

I saw the pictures supposedly sent back from Mars. It looks like they were taken about 50 miles south of Dodge City.

At this stage of my life, a zombie apocalypse would be a lot of fun.

Everyone should learn to play a ukulele.

How insecure does a guy have to be before he hangs plastic bull testicles off the back of his pickup?

What is up with all the controversy about Truck Nutz? Without them, how in the world can you tell whether a vehicle is a girl or a boy?

Apparently to get in the Opinion Line, all you have to do is mention politicians or Truck Nutz. I personally don’t see a difference.

Some people have so many tattoos it makes me want to ask, “Escaped or on parole?”

What this world needs is a good arrow to the knee.

They say it is healthy to disagree. In that case, Opinion Line contributors must be the healthiest people on Earth.

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