The following satirical headlines come from theonion.com:
▪ Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds to Deliver Closing Statement of Campaign
▪ ‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues and I Need the Help of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump in Pointed Debate Comeback
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▪ Clinton Throws Flash Grenade to Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record
▪ Fox Producers Attempt to Tire Out Aggressive Candidates Before Debate by Letting Them Run Around Outside
▪ Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off to Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them
▪ Horrified Investigators Find Unresponsive Legislative Body in Capitol Building