Not enough Americans carry deadly weapons to work.
That’s what the National Rifle Association said after the latest American bloodbath. If more people at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., had been carrying firearms, they could all have whipped out their Glocks and smoked the bad guy before he could kill any innocent people.
See, that’s why they don’t hire dumb guys like me at the NRA. I might have said, “Well, ‘no innocent victims’ is one possible outcome of your little scenario. But another equally possible outcome is that when 40 or 50 average citizens pull out their Uzis and start blazing away, twice as many innocent people could get killed in the friendly crossfire.”
Depending on which survey you believe, 80 to 90 percent of Americans think that there should be tighter controls on the purchase of lethal weapons. But the NRA just smiles at our ignorance. Because, it says with an indulgent chuckle, nobody in America will be truly safe until everyone is packing heat. Pistols, sure. Rifles with armor-piercing ammo – even better. Because the bigger the weapons in everyone’s hands, the safer we’ll all be.
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I’m proud to say that my home state has already taken a big step toward making us all safer. It’s now legal to carry a concealed weapon into many government buildings, including the state Division of Vehicles offices – a place where nobody has ever entertained a murderous thought.
Sure, there’s bound to be a little collateral damage as we pursue our goal of absolute safety. Eventually, some poor schlub who’s waiting in line at the DMV will reach into his pocket for his Skoal can. Misinterpreting the dipper’s intent, 20 or 30 of his fellow citizens will all whip out their machine pistols and empty their clips on him.
But if you want to make an absolutely safe omelet, you have to break a few eggs.
Now, it’s true that concealed semi-automatic weapons in government offices might sound like a bad idea to a dumb guy like me. But our politicians are smarter than me. So they’ve made sure that weapons aren’t permitted in the buildings where they work.
So don’t worry, America. With each new gun slaughter, several thousand more people rush out to buy their own guns for their own protection. So we’re well on our way toward the goal of a handgun in every hand. And that means greater safety for all of us.