"We caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn't in on it." — Jimmy Fallon
"Don't you feel secure, ladies and gentlemen, knowing that the only thing standing between you and terrorism is a T-shirt vendor?" — David Letterman
"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." — Jay Leno
"British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine." — Letterman
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"I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson." — Leno