"President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of the speech was 'Any Ideas, Because I Got Nothing.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Here is an example of how quickly things can turn around. According to a recent poll, President Obama's approval rating in California has dropped. . . . In fact, among Hollywood celebrities, it is now down to just 99 percent." — Jay Leno
"The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin." — David Letterman
"John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic, as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." — Conan O'Brien
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"Doctors are set to receive the (H1N1) vaccination first, because they're the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor." — Craig Ferguson