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Finding love after loss

BY JESSICA YADEGARAN

Contra Costa Times

Looking for love is hard enough, but playing the field as a widow or widower involves a complex layer of emotions, such as guilt and insecurity, not to mention endless questions: How has the dating scene changed, and how do I know I'm ready? What will people say? Will my family and friends support me?

Ray Campton, a Berkeley, Calif., marriage and family therapist, says support -- not approval -- is critical for widows and widowers seeking new relationships. But it should not be the focus, and you should not feel obligated to accept that blind date set up by Aunt June or avoid online dating because your friends don't approve, Campton says.

What is a must: Use the new alone time to do mental and emotional inventory.

"It's an opportune time to stand silently and be still long enough to look back over the course of life and view your relationship history," Campton says.

In doing so, he says, you will begin to see patterns and dynamics and rediscover how well you know yourself and what you're looking for the second time around.

Dating tips

Re-entering the dating world can be daunting, especially after the death of a spouse. Here are tips from dating expert Jeannine Kaiser and marriage and family therapist Ray Campton:

• Be patient with your grief. Unlike you, it is not on a timeline. It has a fluid motion.

• Redefine yourself as a single person. What are your new hobbies? Priorities?

• Wade into the dating pool; don't dive into the deep end. Find your social legs again by spending time in nonthreatening environments, such as church. Volunteer.

• Try online dating. It's a good way to start a relationship. Chat and get used to communicating with someone again.

• Ask yourself: What is a meaningful relationship to you now? What is love to you?

• Realize there is no exact replacement for your lost loved one. Don't compare. Your new partner will feel as if measuring up is impossible.

• When you go on a date, don't talk endlessly about your late partner. It brings a ghost into the relationship.