I have a confession to make — I don't like Halloween.
When free candy fell out of the evening's equation, the holiday lost its appeal. It doesn't help that we women are all too often expected to wear get-ups straight out of a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.
The costumes you fellas come up with aren't often much better. No offense, but I don't really want to see what you look like in a coconut bra and grass skirt, thank you very much.
My favorite Halloween looks for guys and gals are both clever and culturally relevant (I'm looking at you, Guy Still Going As Austin Powers and/or Borat Every Year). And they wouldn't get you passed over for a job if your potential employer saw pics from your party on Facebook.
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Below are some ideas for fun Halloween costumes, pulled from this year's movers, shakers and newsmakers. No coconut bra required.
This costume's both topical and easy to assemble. Smudge some soot on your face, grab your grimiest yard work wear, and a hard hat if you have it. Wrap Chile's flag around your sun-deprived shoulders and throw on a pair of Ray Bans, the "Official Sunglasses of the Chilean Miners Rescue."
Go the extra mile: Show up to your party with a jilted wife and defiant mistress in tow — if you have two female friends willing to play the parts, that is.
This one's easy. Snap up a pair of brightly colored or, if you're brave enough, white skinny jeans from a second-hand store or trendy shop at the mall. Round out the ensemble with a T-shirt and hoodie in a Crayola color (purple is a favorite of the Biebs), and the hi-top sneaks you know you've been wanting.
Go the extra mile: Bring a water bottle for your adoring fans to chuck at your head.
This teen from the projects became an overnight sensation when his appearance on a local news channel got remixed into a hit song on iTunes. You'll need a wig of long dark, straightened hair, hidden under a red do-rag and a white T-shirt. Practice your best Dodson impression ("Hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids"), and you're out the door.
Go the extra mile: Converse through a Voice Synth machine all night.
Old Spice Guy
This Halloween, go suave as "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like." Isaiah Mustafa, the "Old Spice Guy," became a bona fide star this year thanks to his appearance in these memorable ads. Show up clutching a bottle of the body wash and an oyster with tickets to that thing she loves. On a boat. Or a horse.
Go the extra mile: Double up on your memes by going as Grover from "Sesame Street" as the Old Spice Guy.
Not the freshest idea on the list, but you can never go wrong in a well-cut suit and fedora. Carry around a tumbler of scotch, and a heavy-handed disregard for the well-being of the women in your life, and you're good to go.
Go the extra mile: Two IDs, one reading "Don Draper," the other, "Dick Whitman."
Steven Slater, fleeing flight attendant
Irked airline attendant Steven Slater became a hero to everyone who's ever worked in a thankless customer service job when he bailed on a flight after getting screamed at by a passenger. The Jet Blue employee grabbed a couple beers, made an early, emergency exit and started his happy hour on the runway. You'll need a short-sleeved button down shirt, navy blue apron, "Steven Slater" nametag, and beer bottles for your pockets.
Go the extra mile: Tote your own inflatable slide, for getaways from boring party guests wearing costumes not nearly as inventive as yours.