In my past life, I was a wolf.
My hippie name is Tree.
If I were a Muppet, Id be the Swedish Chef. If I were a dog, Id be a pug. If I had to choose a faction from Divergent, I would be in Amity, the one dedicated to peacefulness, kindness, friendship and forgiveness.
And if I were a classic novel, Id be The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
No matter how old you get, the online oracle tells me, inside youll always be a young adventurer, wishing to set sail to some faraway place. With a penchant for sticking up for whats right, you cant keep your mouth shut when you witness injustices.
This valuable peek into my innermost soul comes, of course, from the ever-popular online quiz.
Theyre impossible to resist. (My answers: Youre really sarcastic, Virginia, the Grand Canyon, 13 and Singled Out.)
When I saw one titled What Type of Parent Are You? a couple weeks ago, I clicked over to it, ready once again for some accurate, unbiased insight.
I scanned the questions and clicked the appropriate boxes. And I marveled again at how an algorithm can take random information, like my appreciation for Oceans Eleven, Atticus Finch and ironic T-shirts, and magically pinpoint my parenting style.
Effortlessly cool, it told me.
Of course. I nodded smugly.
Congratulations! The result box practically fist-bumped me. You make parenting seem totally awesome instead of a series of dirty diapers, tantrums, and PTA meetings.
The accompanying image showed actor and supermodel Taye Diggs clutching his adorable son, Walker. Diggs is wearing a lavender T-shirt, hip shades and a newsboy cap. Hes glancing casually at the paparazzi. He looks relaxed, glamorous, effortlessly cool. Yup, just like me, I thought.
As always, the quiz asked if Id like to share my results via Facebook, Twitter or e-mail. Posting it on social media might sound a little braggy, I thought, so I clicked the e-mail link and addressed a message to my teenage daughter.
See? Im cool!! I typed on the line above the link to the quiz. Dont even try to tell me Im not. The Internet doesnt lie.
I briefly debated the two exclamation points but opted to send it anyway, because effortlessly cool parents shouldnt doubt their punctuation.
Im sure Hannah will read the analysis and wonder, like me, how online quizzes can pinpoint peoples true selves so precisely. Shell probably nod when she sees it and share it with her friends, boasting about how cool I am effortlessly cool not at all like those neurotic or smothering or super-strict moms. I bet shell post it on Facebook for everyone to see.
I havent heard back yet, no doubt because shes playing it cool. Like mother, like daughter.