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Bonnie Bing: Talking to yourself out loud again? Everybody does it

  • Published Friday, June 6, 2014, at 5:27 p.m.

Many people talk out loud to themselves. Sometimes I do especially if I’ve done something stupid, forgetful or thoughtless. Out comes, “Bing, you idiot,” or some such sentence. Frequently, I ask a question when there is no one there to answer.

For example, when I see people standing outside in all kinds of weather holding up, or pretending to hold up, enormous “Shame on (name of a business)” signs, I sometimes ask myself as I drive by, “Do you even know what you are protesting?”

I also speak aloud to drivers who poke along below the speed limit and apparently feel safest driving in the middle lane. If they want to go slow, fine, but get out of the left lane. That goes for highways too.

And for me, reading is sometimes verbal. No, not reading aloud but commenting on what I’m reading. When I read that families in the Midwest spend an average of $835 on prom, I had to ask, “Are you kidding me?” Granted it’s been a heck of a long time since I went to prom, but I’m sure a good time could be had by all for a whole lot less. At a reunion, a lot of my friends agreed that the best part of prom was getting ready. Many of us wished we hadn’t spent so much of our hard earned money on a dress we wore once, but shopping for that dress and the anticipation was sure fun.

Speaking of anticipation, I can’t wait to see Google’s self-driving car. Actually, I have seen one, although it wasn’t supposed to be driving itself. There was a teenager in the driver’s seat who had her cellphone clamped between her chin and her shoulder while looking in the visor mirror putting on her eyeliner. She had the brush in one hand and was pulling her lid taunt with the other.

I said out loud to myself, “That is so wrong on so many levels.” She was endangering everyone around her by driving with her leg (I assume), and she could easily have rammed that brush in her eye if she rear-ended the car in front of her. The way it is described, a self-driving car would be much safer. I had to chuckle, though, thinking of a couple of my friends who are backseat drivers. Who are they going to yell at if the car doesn’t have a human being driving? Heh heh. Can’t wait.

And yes, I talk to the television. I don’t watch “The Bachelorette,” but the last time I caught a few minutes of it, I talked so much to that rose-distributing woman, my husband thought I was on the phone. If that show doesn’t have you talking to the screen, nothing will.

My brother and I used to laugh at my mom because she talked to her stove. “Sorry that cherry pie made your oven a big mess.” And the refrigerator: “Where is the rest of this going to go? You’re so crowded, I need to clean you out.” And the ancient sewing machine we called “Thrasher”: “Come on, old girl,” she’d say.

I have a friend who swears her car lasted far longer than it was supposed to because she spoke nicely to it. I’m sure I have plants that are still alive because I let them know they could survive. I told them daily they were looking better all the time.

So next time you’re talking to yourself, and someone says, “Huh?” or “Pardon me?” just fess up and say, “I was talking to myself. I do it all the time because I know I’ll agree with whatever I’m saying.”

Reach Bonnie Bing at bingbylines@gmail.com.

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