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More of the best of Opinion Line 2012

  • Published Sunday, Dec. 30, 2012, at 12 a.m.

Wow. You know you live in Podunk, Kansas, when the big news of the week is the grand opening of a Chick-fil-A.

I thought I led a boring life until I saw the crowd waiting for Cabela’s to open its doors. Unbelievable.

Welcome to our strange world. In the 1960s, cars were huge and people were not. Now, people are huge and many of the cars have gotten smaller.

Question: What is the Kansas state tree? Answer: An orange cone.

Overweight men plus the smallest yards in the neighborhood equal the largest riding lawn mowers. Have you noticed?

So in this term, is Obama again going to blame it on the guy who had the job the previous four years – himself?

Mitt Romney looks like a president. Rick Santorum looks like a grocery-store manager.

Re-electing Obama would be like skydiving at night without a parachute. The end is certain, but most won’t see it coming.

Election 2012 boils down to “Hope and change” versus “I hope he fails.” See you at the polls.

I read that there are an estimated 15 uncontacted tribes living in the Peruvian jungles, totaling about 12,000 to 15,000 people. Does the Democratic National Committee know about this?

How amazing it is that the folks who want to deny choice to buy jumbo soft drinks are the same folks who want unrestrained choice to have abortions.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education, and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

So Larry the Cable Guy is going to play Wichita. We are complete.

No one is more unreachable than someone with a cellphone.

I have heard stories of aliens snatching people wearing John Deere hats out of trailer parks and doing unspeakable things to them. I deal with the public nearly every day and read Opinion Line. I have purchased a John Deere hat, I am looking at a trailer, and I am ready to take my chances elsewhere. Please.

Global warming means that Wichita can be annoyed by loud motorcycles all winter long.

There are two basic differences between the Republicans and the Democrats. The Democrats search tirelessly for ways to spend your money. The Republicans, on the other hand, search tirelessly for ways to spend your money. I think I’ve made my point.

Koch Industries is adding 300 jobs without incentives? Is this legal?

I’m a Republican. I have a vision that the next law proposed by Brownback will be to change the Kansas state song to Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred.”

I love you, red Solo cup.

Has anyone ever seen Newt Gingrich and Susan Boyle in the same room at the same time?

As an unpaid consultant for the Mitt Romney campaign, Kris Kobach is earning every penny he’s worth.

One of the few good things about being an old geezer is how other old geezers acknowledge me with a “howdy,” a nod of the head, and a knowing look that says, “Hey, buddy, we both got through it, didn’t we?” Somehow that makes having gotten through it all worthwhile.

God has only made two mistakes: Allowing mankind to invent basketball and golf.

The Republicans are getting in more trouble with the idea of invading women’s bodies than they did by invading Iraq.

Politicians, like fishermen, are born honest. But then they get over it.

Best marketing plan ever: QuikTrip has slyly positioned its stores around the city so they can be used as the most effective landmarks to keep the average Wichitan informed of a tornado’s path.

I think we should have cleavage day at the Wichita River Festival to celebrate the gift that nature has given us. We could give out booby prizes.

In times past, the first sign of spring was to see a robin. These days it is seeing Walmart stocking its plant department.

To the Creighton fan who held up the sign that said, “Remember you live in Wichita,” all I can say is: Thank goodness.

The White House is currently the place where the grapes of wrath are stored.

TV should be required to list the ingredients of the programs, just like packaged food. For example, a news program should list: ads, 40 percent; weather, 25 percent; sports, 20 percent; and news, 15 percent.

The reason God made dogs is that he wanted to make something good after he failed on humans.

If my neighbors don’t start muzzling their dogs at night, I’m going to have to borrow Obama’s dog recipe.

One version of “The Scream” just sold for nearly $120 million. My face looked like the picture when I heard that.

Gov. Sam Brownback is running Kansas like Thomas Etheredge ran Wild West World – lots of projections and prayers.

Do some people not look in the mirror when they put on that form-fitting T-shirt? It may have worked 20 years ago, but it does not now.

Using President Obama’s fuzzy math, your wife tells you she will probably gain 15 pounds on vacation. When she only gains five pounds, she’ll tell you that she lost 10 pounds.

Like the state of Kansas, I have been having trouble making ends meet lately. Like the state of Kansas, I guess I should ask my boss for a pay cut. Less is more, right?

Thanks to our intrepid Legislature, we no longer have to fear imposition of the laws of the Netherlands or Argentina by our state courts. Now if we could only get it to ban travel to Mars by left-handed individuals over Labor Day weekend, we could all rest easy.

Twenty-five years of experience as a businessman do not prepare someone to be president any more than 25 years as a barber prepare someone to be a priest.

Why is it when the Democrats run out of answers, they blame it on the previous administration?

Why is it when Republicans run out of answers, they blame poor people?

If you put the Democratic Party-controlled federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there would be a shortage of sand.

If you put a Republican-controlled government in charge of the Sahara Desert, the sand would be polluted and Wall Street would be selling sand to investment banks that would go broke.

The NRA says Obama is lulling people into thinking he doesn’t want to take away guns, in order to get re-elected and then take away guns. But what if he is so devious as to not take away guns then? Look out, NRA members: Don’t allow Obama to let you keep your guns.

Tell your meteorologist to quit looking at radar and to call me. After I hand-wash both cars it will rain within 48 hours, guaranteed.

All you young people will never know the satisfaction of slamming down the receiver on an old-fashioned rotary dial phone.

More people seem to be igniting a lot of fireworks, then leaving the resultant mess for others to deal with. They must be Democrats.

Is it me or are the people of Wichita getting more and more angry every day? Put some chill pills in the water instead of fluoride.

A dear friend won’t be voting Aug. 7. She doesn’t want a stranger looking at her driver’s license, which clearly gives her weight. Too bad. She has been a devout Republican.

Don’t use your Bible as a science book. Don’t use a science book as your Bible. How simple is that?

If male beach volleyball players can have full range of motion wearing shorts, why can’t the women? Put some pants on, ladies, and act like athletes.

Pay the House and the Senate by the hour.

It had been so long since we had rain that I had to pull over and get out the owner’s manual to see how the windshield wipers operate on the new vehicle I bought eight months ago.

Fred Phelps is wrong: God does not hate anyone. God loves everybody, including Fred Phelps. Therein lies but one of the major differences between God and me.

I could swear I saw a Chick-fil-A store in the lower-left corner of one of the pictures sent back from Mars.

I vote to put something in the water so we can have better drivers in Wichita.

Am I better off today than I was four years ago? No, and it has nothing to do with Obama. It’s because of my ex-husband, and everyone still thinks he’s the greatest, too.

Coming soon to a theater near you: “Indiana Jones and the Quest for Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns.”

If you think jobs are made by jobs bills, then please don’t vote.

I guess that Obama prepping for the debate with Joy Behar was a mistake.

Kids today need to suck it up. I was bullied all the time growing up, and I’m fine. So are my alternate personalities, Floyd and Greta.

Thank you for publishing “Hyperbole is losing its effect” (Oct. 2 Letters to the Editor). It was, without doubt, the finest letter to the editor in the history of American journalism!

Video gamers are asking for the female characters to be more heavily endowed. That makes sense. It will be as close as many of them will ever get to seeing real ones.

Football announcers who say “That’s the best play I have seen all year” make me wonder where they have been all year.

College and high school football advances education much like bullfighting advances agriculture.

It’s obvious that the mass shooters cannot see the “no guns allowed” signs. Shouldn’t a law be passed making these signs larger?

French fries kill more people than guns.

Headline for 2013: “Bankrupt and insolvent state of Kansas accepts takeover bid from Koch Industries.”

President Obama was much more engaged in the second debate. He found out he might lose the big plane in January. It’s the only one his ego will fit in.

Facts are Mitt Romney’s Kryptonite.

Back in the day, high school kids boycotted the cafeteria food because it was inedible. Now, they boycott for larger portions. Go figure.

Romney really gave his Etch A Sketch a good shake for Monday’s debate.

President Obama appears more concerned about “protection” for coeds than protection for ambassadors.

The two presidential campaigns spent nearly $2 billion for a job that pays $400,000 a year. No wonder our federal government is $16 trillion in debt.

Fluoride, shmuoride. Obviously, since Obama was re-elected, we should be more fearful of the stupid juice that’s in the water around the country.

Welcome, Mitt Romney, to the scrap heap of Republican presidential candidates. Mr. McCain will be glad to show you around.

Nothing says Thanksgiving in Wichita like turkey, liquor and a passive-aggressive mother-in-law.

My house is older than the airport terminal. I guess, going by the Wichita City Council’s reasoning, that I should not make repairs to it. I should bulldoze it and build new. How do I get someone else supposedly to pay for it, though?

The definition of a typical Wichita driver: One who leaves where he is 10 minutes late and expects to arrive where he is going 10 minutes early – and tries to rewrite the laws of physics in between.

The tornadoes had barely lifted back into the clouds when the conservative, anti-federal government politicians had their hands out for federal disaster money.

Hey, all you Olympic athletes: You did not win that medal. Someone else won it for you.

I look every morning to see if my picture is on the obituaries page.

Just because you have several degrees does not make you any hotter.

Residents of 50 states have asked to secede from the United States under Obama’s administration? That means seven states are still for him, right?

In the United States, an affair with a beautiful young woman has cost a four-star general and CIA director his job and reputation. In France, it would have gotten him another medal.

If I had been born in February 1970, I would be 42 now. But I didn’t and I’m not. Makes as much sense as a lot of the drivel I read in the Opinion Line.

I save a lot of water by using my bathroom sink as a urinal. I wouldn’t try this if I were a woman.

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