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Romantic fire hazard: Tread carefully when bringing up the topic of old flames

  • Chicago Tribune
  • Published Thursday, Nov. 15, 2012, at 6:49 a.m.

When your ex is still your friend

Talking about exes is sticky enough. How do you handle it when you or your partner remains friends with an ex?

•  Be fully transparent about your friendship with the ex, and include your current partner in plans with him or her, said Emily Morse, a sex and relationship expert who has remained friends with several exes. There can be no secrets here, just reassurance to your current partner that you are no longer in love with the ex.

•  Don’t forbid your partner from communicating with or seeing an ex, unless there has been a blatant betrayal or injury, said clinical psychologist David Wexler. Exerting such control creates resentment and is a vote of no confidence, which eats away at the relationship. The safer way to address it is to state that you are uncomfortable with the friendship and let the other person take steps to make you feel more secure.

•  Rethink if it’s such a good idea. The sexual tension tends to remain, and men — in particular — connect sex and closeness, so it can be difficult for them to be just friends, said Reginald Richardson, vice president for clinical services at the Family Institute at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. If you are spending time with the old relationship to the detriment of the new relationship, that’s a problem.

Forgive the unpleasant reminder, but chances are your partner has an ex or two or 20. And, chances are, at some point your conversation will turn to past relationships, sending you through a minefield of old flames and broken hearts.

To emerge unscathed, it helps to embrace a few principles.

For the person doing the talking: Be honest and reassuring.

For the person doing the asking: Know your motivations.

“There are healthy and unhealthy ways people deal with this,” said Diane Rudolph, co-head, with her husband, Phillip Lee, of the marital therapy program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center.

Rudolph and Lee, who are psychiatrists, say people sometimes obsessively dig for gory details about their partner’s exes because they are jealous or insecure and want to see how they stack up against them. Other unhealthy agendas stem from wanting to come clean about their own past, or, for the partners delivering the information, hoping stories about prior conquests show how desirable they are.

Having too great an interest in a partner’s past relationships, or in sharing your own, can be counterproductive or a sign that there are other underlying problems.

“The more you scratch, the more it itches,” Lee said. “It’s like having mold in your house, and it spreads.”

But there is value in having a sense of your partner’s romantic resume, or at least the major events, Rudolph and Lee say, because it gives you insight into the forces that shaped him or her.

The details about the exes themselves aren’t as important as what was learned from the relationship or the breakup.

For Rudolph and Lee, who have been “happily married” for 23 years, their personal conversation on the topic followed a typical healthy course: not too much information too soon, gradually reveal more, no terrible surprises.

“I think it is important for when you’re picking a partner to know about the kinds of relationships they’ve been in,” Rudolph said. “You’re choosing a whole package, and who they are in relationships previously is a piece of the puzzle.”

That’s not to say that couples who prefer to remain mum and ignorant about previous lovers are necessarily missing out.

Reginald Richardson, vice president for evaluation and clinical services at the Family Institute at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, said he doesn’t care to know his wife’s romantic history, or to discuss his own, because “the woman I met and fell in love with was good enough.”

Richardson doesn’t think it’s appropriate for people to talk about exes, because usually they just want to compare themselves and confirm they are loved the best. If they need that reassurance, he said, rather than analyze old lovers, it’s better to ask: Why did you choose me?

The only time there’s benefit to knowing about a partner’s wild streak in college is if the person still struggles with destructive behaviors, Richardson said. Otherwise, digging into a person’s past can set them up to be judged unfairly on actions that are no longer relevant.

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