Print edition: 
Saying the smoking ban is the cause of lower lottery sales is like saying global warming is caused by gnat flatulence.
I must remind all the lousy drivers in Wichita that I am the one who really owns the road.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you get to sell him a license and charge him fees to go fishing.
Looks like Oscar Mayer will have a better chance of winning the New York City mayoral race than Anthony Weiner.
In 55 years of driving, I have been given four moving-violation tickets. One was in a Georgia speed trap; the three others were in downtown Wichita. I wouldn’t go downtown for a catered orgy.
Since you are already born, isn’t it hypocritical if you support abortion?
President Obama said that Gabrielle Giffords had opened her eyes. I think it’s safe to assume she is now a Republican.
When is Wichita finally going to get an Invasion of Grenada Memorial?
Remember: If you have a fifth on the Fourth, you may not be able to come forth on the fifth.
I am having a hard time believing that people did what they said they did or will do what they say they will do. Am I the only one losing faith?
I own a garden hose and a gun. I don’t need fire or police protection. The city of Wichita could save a bundle if it eliminated both police and fire departments. They’re just more socialist ideas from liberals.
Wouldn’t this be a better world if our beloved pets lived as long as we do?
The reason the Kansas Board of Regents won’t approve a football program for WSU is that if it did, then KU would want a football program, too.
I see tons of women daily of all shapes, sizes, builds, nationalities and every variation you can think of, and they’re all just so beautiful. Women, you are awesome. Please stop being so beautiful.
If the story of Noah and the ark is true, when the Earth was covered with saltwater, what did Noah do with all the freshwater fish? Keep them in a big jar?
I felt the earth move under my feet. Now we will see if the sky comes a tumbling down. It shook my nerves and it rattled my brain. I thought someone was a knockin’ at the door instead of a ringin’ my bell. Thanks for your patience.
Here is a simple, sensible explanation of earthquakes: Hell is enlarging itself to make room for more occupants. Beware, oil barons, corporate executives, bankers, lawyers, politicians and all selfish, corrupt, money-loving greedheads.
When I moved to south-central Kansas, I never thought that I would experience earthquakes more frequently than rain.
Does anyone know how to use a tissue or handkerchief anymore? Why must you sniff constantly?
If ignorance is bliss, there are a whole lot of happy Kansans.
I was just trying to read her name tag, but she thought I was staring at her boobs. Am I responsible for name-tag placement? I plead innocent.
Kudos to people who refuse to use the word “kudos.”
I like fruitcakes. They make great doorstops.
You can’t spell “environmental” without “mental.”
I suppose our Kansas GOP supports the right of the unborn to bear arms.
I don’t know how the K-State players do it. I get scared looking at Frank Martin’s picture in the paper.
Why is it that lobbyists can bribe politicians but I can’t bribe cops.
So the Saudis claim that allowing women to drive leads to premarital sex. That’s as preposterous as claiming that marriage prevents poverty, and who would be fool enough to believe that?
It’s obvious that we’ve lost the war on poverty. How about we start a war on stupid?
A penny saved is the Sedgwick County tax assessor’s oversight.
If reincarnation works, I want to come back as a hand doctor and make millions operating on teenagers’ thumbs.
Remember the good old days when a pack of cigarettes cost as much as a gallon of gas? Wait a minute.
If all women are required to purchase insurance as potential rape victims, then all men should be required to purchase insurance as potential rapists.
I have a great idea: Take all of us who are unhappy in crappy jobs and let us go on unemployment benefits for 99 weeks while those who are now unemployed fill in for us.
Need proof that people in this city can’t read signs and follow directions? Watch them trying to figure out how to drive into the City Hall parking lot. It’s funny until you realize they can also vote.
Can our state sink much lower than having Peter Pan for governor and Don Quixote for secretary of state?
Did you hear about the new golf course in Lawrence? It only has 14 holes because the Jayhawks don’t play the Final Four.
