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Here’s a sampling of favorite Opinion Line comments from 2011:
Home, sour home
Really – do all the streets in town have to be torn up at the same time? The detours have detours.
Congratulations to Old Town on its 20-year anniversary. The best DUI trap ever set.
Kansas is not a red state. It has moved into the infrared, beyond visible sight – or sense.
As a longtime Delano resident, I’d like to remind all the fine folks attending Riverfest: Throwing your empty cups and full diapers in my yard is not recycling.
I have carefully searched the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and I found no mention of the God-given right to choose your own trashman.
Maybe Wichita police can use their new armored vehicle to protect the WaterWalk sculpture from metal thieves.
The WaterWalk sculpture can be interpreted many different ways by many different people. But I’ve noticed that if you look at it from just the right angle, it looks a lot like an unemployed teacher.
Here’s what the new, unneeded highway information signs should say most of the time: “Kellogg construction expected to last 83 years.”
I am going to take a course in Spanish so that I can understand what the roofers are saying about my wife.
Until I joined the YMCA, I never knew there were so many Wichita women who like to stand in front of a mirror staring at themselves.
To the medical office receptionists, school secretaries and other women sitting at desks with customers standing over them: You are showing way too much for 9 in the morning. Give us a break and save something for your Saturday night date.
Why is it that I can walk into a theater that is almost empty and someone will always come in and sit in front of me?
Brownback’s back
Is it too late to keep the $31.5 million federal grant and return Sam Brownback to Washington, D.C., instead of the other way around?
Since Gov. Sam Brownback doesn’t seem to think the arts are important, I suggest replacing all the artwork at Cedar Crest with the pictures from the anti-abortion truck that sat down the street from our home for so long.
When commenting in social media, we need to start referring to our governor as “he who must not be named.”
Wouldn’t it be great if the only out-of-staters who used Gov. Sam Brownback’s five-year state income-tax break were gays?
Ready, aim, fire
My preacher announced he wears a concealed weapon. I thought he meant the Word of God, but, no, he is carrying a pistol. He assured me Jesus will be wearing one at the Second Coming. Time for me to change churches.
Now let me get this straight: I can take my Ruger .357 to a crowded tag office, but I can’t take my Gibson 335 to a crowded coffeehouse? Ah, Kansas.
Note to gun-control people: It’s over. You get to go sit at the same table as racists. We’re not going back there.
Hard times
My most recent fortune cookie read, “Your financial outlook is great.” I think that one was supposed to go to China.
Wow. I must have become stronger as I’ve aged. I can now carry $50 worth of groceries with one hand.
Two answers to gasoline prices: left foot, right foot. Repeat as needed.
You know times are tough when a beater car with three doughnut tires passes you doing 75 mph on West Kellogg.
I drove through an exclusive neighborhood the other day and was nearly run over by all the job creating going on.
The income gap has a name. It’s called “freedom.”
Assail the chief
President Obama’s defense of his record on the economy reminded me of my unrealistic nephew’s trip to Las Vegas. “I won $300 at the craps table,” he said. He didn’t mention that he lost $450 at blackjack.
Don’t believe in voter fraud? Just try to find someone who voted for Obama.
“Dancing With the Stars” is full of has-beens. Maybe we will see Barack Obama on the show in 2013.
For 30 years of my life, the government has given tax breaks to the wealthy to create jobs. Now the authors and benefactors of this philosophy stand pointing their fingers at a man, who is black, in blame. Typical management.
We survived Bush. You will survive Obama.
Down with D.C.
We can hope no one will tell the ludicrous assemblage in Washington, D.C., that there is another number after trillion.
Having nothing better to do, the U.S. House made “In God We Trust’ the official U.S. motto again. With Congress’ track record, it should have been, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”
It’s a republic. We have a government that reflects the governed. It is like looking in a mirror. Scary, isn’t it?
Party time
Steps to being a good Republican: Let the less fortunate fend for themselves, and don’t have an abortion. That’s about it.
The reasons I support Rick Perry are his conservatism, his strong record, and – um, ah – what was the third one?
Sarah Palin in 2012 – the world’s going to end then anyway.
Mark Mangino and George Bush: “Miss us yet?”
It’s not the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s the Illuminati who are causing the problems.
Your party is the party of hate and destruction. My party represents all that is good and right about America. Now that we have that straightened out, let’s get on with the job of governing the country.
Whatever
So, if Jesus walked into a store, would you greet Him with “Happy Hanukkah” or “Merry Christmas”?
We’ll never know if we got the real bin Laden, as he didn’t show us his long-form birth certificate.
Now some anti-abortionists want to declare a fertilized egg a “person.” What next? The gleam in a potential father’s eyes?
Does anyone know where I can buy a pair of adult-size saggy, baggy pants? I want to wear them to my son’s middle school to embarrass him the way he embarrasses me.
If all these guys can walk around with their pants sagging, I guess it’s OK for me to wear socks with my sandals and to grow a mullet.
Politicians are like old trousers: They only come clean in hot water.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
There’s a fine line between hipster and doofus.
One truth we can all agree on: Right now there are millions of cats across the globe either sleeping or grooming.
The greatest step we could take in controlling our borders would be to send all the Kardashians back to Kardashia.
OK, I confess — I took a little bit of my first Social Security check and bought a bag of pot.
I love girls with tattoos. They can make decisions they’re going to regret later.
Whatever happened to cloud seeding? My yard is as dry as a bathtub in France.
Citrus is God’s way of telling you to squint more.
Stained-glass windows are nothing more than tattoos on churches.
After about three days, turkey tastes like the smell of a dog.
Whatever happened to giant, frilly collars? How did that go out of style?
Drinking beer and e-mailing don’t mix.
I think it is pathetic that so few bars know how to make a good Manhattan. Western civilization is truly in decline.
I can’t decide whether I should be a curmudgeon or a bandersnatch today.
On Opinion Line
The last thing on my bucket list: Get in Opinion Line before the world ends on Saturday. Fingers crossed.
I am not the smartest guy in the world. But sometimes after reading Opinion Line, I feel like I am.
Opinion Line is like a car crash on Kellogg: You know it is a tragic disaster, but you can’t help but look at it.
